Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself

Julie Delucca-Collins on Building Confidence Through Personal and Authentic Storytelling

• Minessa Konecky • Season 3 • Episode 91

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In this episode, Minessa Konecky engages in a profound conversation with Julie DeLuca Collins about the complexities of multiracial identity, resilience in the face of adversity, and the journey of self-discovery. They explore the challenges of growing up in conflict zones, navigating immigration, and the importance of education and storytelling in shaping one's identity. Julie shares her experiences of finding peace amidst violence and the impact of her upbringing on her confidence and self-perception. The discussion emphasizes the significance of embracing authenticity, rejecting external labels, and the cyclical nature of personal growth. Julie also highlights her coaching approach, focusing on building confidence and helping individuals recognize their worth and potential.

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Hello, hello and welcome to episode 91 of the Stop Shooting All Over Yourself podcast. I am your host, Manesa Konake and today I have with me Julie DeLuca Collins who I adore. So first she has a TED Talk. So the link is in the show notes. Make sure you check that out too. That's actually how I was introduced to her by the passionistas who are going to show up a little bit later on in our podcast, our podcast roster. But... Her Ted Talk talked a lot about growing up multiracial and from being from two different countries and what that experience taught her about resilience, about identity, about owning your story and the journey that she went through to get to that space. And that's why I really wanted to have her on the podcast. One, because we have a shared experience in that way, but also because... That's something that a lot of us grapple with. For if you are multiracial, then that is in and of itself going to bring with it a whole series of challenges. If you are an immigrant or an expat from somewhere, right, you're going to have a whole nother set of challenges if you're part of that diaspora. And for a lot of us, we're busy, we work really hard on navigating being part of two, sometimes three worlds. And how does that how does that all fit together? Oftentimes in a, I mean, not oftentimes, like capitalist, patriarchal society where we are constantly being bombarded with stories about our identity, who we should be, how we're supposed to show up, all of those things. And so I found her TED Talk to be incredibly refreshing and like very, it resonated very deeply with me. And so I wanted her on the podcast. And then in addition, as we had this conversation, we talked a lot about how do you... navigate these spaces with gentleness, with guidance, right? And so many of us really struggle with figuring out what story we wanna tell. And we don't realize that we don't actually have to pick a story. Like we have like, we are multifaceted people with many, many, many stories and we don't have to settle in on just one. Listen into the podcast. I'm looking forward to seeing how it impacts you in the way that you tell your stories and lean into and settle into your own identity after hearing some of the conversations that we have here. So let's listen in. But I wanted, like, I wanted to have you on the podcast because when we, saw your Ted Talk first and the Ted Talk resonated with me so much because you talked about, and I actually have a bunch of questions for you about that too. Well, you talked about growing up in El Salvador during the civil war and how even though there was a lot of violence in your life, you were very sheltered and at peace. And what was interesting is that, I also grew up, I grew up in Pakistan during a time of great violence in the eighties and It's really interesting how, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, like how you can be in a space where there is a lot of violence, but like you yourself don't have to become violent or like you can still find peace. You can still find, and it's a strange, it's a really strange dichotomy because I don't think if you've ever been in a space like that where you can see how there is still joy to be found, even in these most challenging and difficult of circumstances. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. Yeah, so you know for me, I don't love violence, right? And I think that it really stems from growing up in that. My grandparents, my grandmother in particular, came from a very affluent family in El Salvador. I grew up in a household that we had a cook, a driver, a cleaning person, nannies, know. So had a lot of comfort. Now when the world, when the war broke out, 1979. My grandparents were not political people, but yet, you know, they in one way or another were involved. My grandparents were both educators. My grandfather put himself through school in a very different side of the spectrum from my grandmother. He came from a very humble beginnings. was a shoe. He used to shine shoes and then he was an apprentice to a shoemaker. And but he wanted to be a teacher and wanted to move up in his career. So he again, built a successful career, then became the CFO for a company, and he still taught. So both of them were very involved in helping young people get educated, because in El Salvador, you either have money or you don't. And my grandparents felt that education was that key that would unlock the door to better life and better future. for me seeing them and how they they stood for others especially the ones that they didn't a lot always stood up to me but the war of course broke down broke out and it was between the left and the right and the right were want status quo and they felt that these are communists are coming in from nicaragua they're being funded by russia of course this is all the in in that eighties time I have come to understand more about the war as I've grown and done more reading and understanding. The reality is that a lot of the war came out because people were fighting for human rights. People were fighting to have opportunities. And for the majority of the time in El Salvador, this small little country, the majority of the wealth was held by 11 or 12 key families. And then, not necessarily to take away from them and give to everyone in the communist principles, but people wanted more opportunities, wanted to be able to not be in this world in which there were a lot of inadequacies and a lot of, the ruling class, right, had a lot to say on how things happened. Now, when, the war started to come out the way that it's it was happening in El Salvador you would hear shootings and we lived in the middle of the city and again I it's little things started to happen like my grandparents had we let my grandmother had a school and we lived in the campus of the school so then all of sudden they started to put up a wall and make a larger wall and we had and this is going back 1979 1980 like electric automatic we had a phone that people have to call from the outside to get into the house and a lot of security at night we we would have an armed guard that would you know be in the property along with like dogs that were roam around the property so all of that it i mean it seemed not that it was and made me fearful but i was like okay this is just the new thing right And then when we started to, I used to from an early age read the paper, if that makes sense. My grandfather would sit at the table in the mornings and he would read the paper. he, I would typically ask for the comics and he said, no, you need to read the editorial. You need to, and I started reading from a young age and then all of a sudden I started to read about what was going on. And that's when I realized like, wait a minute, there is a war going on. and we started to see like the power lines were being bombed and then we would not have power for some time or the water supply was also being impacted and for days we wouldn't have water. So all these things were the kind of things where I would hear the other thing that started to happen is a lot of the students that were doing the revolting or the you know really standing up for what was happening. You would see here in the news that they were being shot as they were doing this demonstrations. And what they started to do, the students started to do, is they would take over the churches. And they would lock themselves in churches and they would have like, they would be there constantly talking in the microphones like, this is what we want, this is what we demand. And for us, one of the churches around the corner from our house, If I stood in the courtyard of my grandmother's house, of her house, I could actually see the dome of the church that was around the corner and then I would see people standing there. And I remember the first time that really it hit me that we were at war is I was playing because I had a little dollhouse and then we were playing right in the courtyard and then all of sudden you heard shots. And then I remember looking up, up to the church and Yeah, there was a guy that was on the main tower and I saw him fall. I don't know if he was shot, but I remember just seeing him. Now, it wasn't that close, but it's like one of these memories that never leaves you. And then after that, a few months later, again, we were in school and there was a shooting. Again, you heard the shots. And we all jumped and we were throwing ourselves on the floor, went for cover. And then of course, my uncle and other people started to run around to see what was going on. And then one of my classmates, as he was hearing the adults all over the school, a lot of panic and the kids were in the classrooms, we weren't allowed to go near the windows. He's like, my grandmother's outside, my grandmother is outside because she used to come and wait for him outside of the school. And sure enough, she was shot, she was caught in the crossfire. And that was the first time that, again, 10 years old, I got to see firsthand that there was an impact in the lives of people that I knew. It wasn't just this remove thing or things that. weren't closed. And then of course there was the death and the assassination of the Archbishop in Romero who I remember where, you know, again we were playing. remember we used to, I used to choreograph a lot of dances for my cousins and we would dance and whatnot. And I remember it was around noontime and we were playing and then one of the the staff members in our house came running and crying that he had been shot. And that's again, you know, for the most part now at that time, because my mom worked for the American Embassy, she worked for the press secretary and the ambassador, and she had been educated here in the States. She left El Salvador young, to college at Georgetown. again, she never really, I think not didn't feel not that she wasn't El Salvadorian, but she wanted to provide us with more opportunities being that my dad was an American citizen. And of course, my dad also being an American citizen, we were at peril. There were a lot of disappearances, especially of families, affluent families, and they would kidnap people. You would never hear what happened to them anymore. That's a lot of what started to really show me, right, that there was a lot going on outside. And when my mom left El Salvador to come to Miami for her own safety, we were left with my grandparents while she settled herself. And at that point, my grandparents, and I remember my grandfather would say, we are not your parents, but we are tasked with keeping you safe. So I wasn't allowed to walk around the city anymore like I had. done before or I, you know, and I would go with, with our, our, our, nanny would take us out and we would go, or I would go to friends houses. It was very limited the times that we could go anywhere because my grandparents felt like they needed to be in control of our safety. And yeah, so that, that's a lot how, how I started to really hear about the war and to this day, you know, I hate fireworks, not my cup of tea. And the older I get, the more that It makes me incredibly nervous. And I know that that's from all of that fear that maybe I didn't realize it was fear because I knew I was safe and taken care of. at the same time, thank you so much for sharing that. I. It's very strange how parallel our lives are. Like, I felt like you were describing my childhood like as as it's every like. The people, the places are different, but the stories are the same. The walls going up, the, the net, the guards, my next door neighbor was beheaded when I was 11. And so like these sorts of things, right. But at the same time, the story that you're telling is so, and I bet there are many people who are listening, who have, who have similar feet in two different spaces who have very similar stories. Cause when you move to America, everything's so different. You know, so I'm curious. So something that let's it's different and it's not. But when we were younger, it was a little different because like you came here and you're like, whoa. So the question I have is actually because you mentioned that you had American citizenship and so did I. I imagine you you knew a lot of people who did not have American citizenship. absolutely. So I'm curious to know, because one of my the work that a lot of the work that I do is related to how do we help. immigrants get into jobs that that people with advanced degrees who can't get jobs here because of the fact that their advanced degrees from another country right and so I work with the African Bridge Network a lot and I'd love for you to share like when you were when you first moved here and maybe you didn't realize this because I don't think I realized this until my 30s really what what happened like as a kid I didn't really get it but that the the difference in your experience say versus your friends who did not have citizenship. Yeah. So, so, you know, the first thing is, and if you've listened to my Ted talk, you heard me talk about this. I came to the States and I also came with the idea that I was going to finally be able to fit in. But from a very early age, right? I, the first time I traveled to New York to visit my dad's family, I was three months old. Obviously, I don't remember that. But from that point on in the, the Most of my childhood, we spent going back and forth with my dad and my mom to New York to visit my dad's family. The last time that I was there for a long period of time is, let me think, the school break between fourth grade and fifth grade. And to put it into context too, so, The school year in El Salvador runs from February to end of September. So we would have off from end of September, November, October, November, December, and then you went back to school. So we left and we came to New York that period. And I remember thinking, okay, well, how... When is my mom coming? But I wasn't sure. At first, I thought we were just visiting until I overheard my dad speak to my grandmother that we were there. And it was a very different environment because in my grandmother's house in New York, she actually had a one-bedroom apartment in the Bronx at this point. And it was a very different coming from a home that was large to... That and I started to realize like wait a minute not everybody lives the same way, right? We then visited my aunt and uncle in New Jersey and stayed with them for a while and I and I would hear my grand my grandmother and my aunt speak about how it was very difficult for people that Were not educated with the language were not Influenced in English how difficult it would be for someone and that's when I started to really Kind of put these pieces together When we lived in Miami fast forward I guess a couple years later when we lived in Miami my mom had a lot of friends that maybe had been educated but did not have a job that was you know, we knew of a doctor and and a couple of attorneys and an engineer that my mom knew from from school and from El Salvador, but they did not fare very well because, again, like you mentioned, the transferability of their degrees was not something that was easily done. Now, even for my mom, someone who, again, went to school in Georgetown and then was educated after that, she went to school in Barcelona and she was studying political science, a master's in political science in El Salvador when she came to the States. she was under-employed as a woman. I don't know necessarily that it was 100 % because the degree didn't transfer, but it was also because this is the 80s. It was a woman, my mom needed to, and she had good jobs, but nothing great considering the background and the education that she had. And I think that we live in a society in the States in which We believe that our education system, our way of life is the best and one and only. And yet, is, like I remember, and this is a very simple example, right? When I came to the States, I had already finished sixth grade, but I went back and I started sixth grade again, right? Because my mom didn't feel that I was old enough to go into middle school. everything that that was being taught in math, science, I had already seen that a couple years before, not even in sixth grade. So it was very easy for someone like me to tune out because like, wait a minute, I was already doing geometry in sixth grade and that's not something that was being introduced. And I think that that goes to say that there's no perfect system, but we don't have a great system here and yet look down at other school systems, education ways of life. And this is why I'm such a proponent for traveling, because when you travel and you experience other cultures, it opens up the possibility of knowing that there's no perfect way and there's not your way. My way is the way that works for where we are. And then we can be more inclusive of each other and of our beliefs. And really, I think I'm seeing more people come to the states with advanced degrees from other countries and begin to incorporate in a better way, but it doesn't happen still, 100%. And I think that that's disservice to us as a society, because when we're hiring someone that is coming from highly educated in another country and then they're bringing them here, you're giving them the opportunity to bring in. a different perspective, some innovation of ideas, things that don't necessarily can happen when we close ourselves off. You know, it's interesting you bring that up because innovation is scary, right? So like if you're, know, because there's change associated with it. You were talking about in your Ted talk, you talk about how, you know, in order to gain more confidence, you have to, you have to It's all about habits, right? Yeah. But, before you're willing to change those habits, like you have to actually be like you said, like you have to. a micro level on an individual level, we are we have to be willing to do that change. And then I think about it on like that bigger scale where it like, how do you get like a corporation to say that they want to change and do that? And so I think that what's interesting is that I think more people are starting to move into the spaces where they they were decision makers and they're where who are coming from other countries. or who bringing these perspectives in. my excitement is over the next say 10 to 15 years as we see the shift that's gonna happen. And so I'm excited about that. you talk about how, and this is interesting, because you mentioned this in the TED Talk and we were talking about there being not a lot of opportunities, but you mentioned how even when we are invited to the table, And I was just talking to my wife about this yesterday. refuse to take, like, I have this fundamental feeling within me that I should not be at any table ever. And I know that that's not real, right? Like, I mean, it is real, but it's not real. know, it's therapy. get it. Therapy. But it's as I listened to your Ted talk, I was like, my God, she's looking into my soul right now. Right. Where we're invited to the table. Someone says, come to the table. We're sitting at the table and yet we feel like we do not belong at the table or we can't take space or can't speak up. How did you get, what was it that transformed you in that moment where you felt like, where, you you share a little bit. I'd love to hear. You know, the first thing that I know has had a tremendous impact again is my grandparents, mostly my grandmother. She was born at the turn of the 20th century. She lost her mom at an early age. She was maybe three or four when she lost her mom. But came from a family, again, my great grandfather was incredibly educated, well regarded. He came from an affluent family from Spain. So he afforded my grandmother with a lot of different opportunities, education. My grandmother was one that loved to read, loved to learn. And she had a big desire to teach others because she understood that that was, again, the way for people to change, educate, education open the doors, right? Now, my great grandfather, for as supportive as he was with her getting an education, when it came to her actually going to work, he didn't really want her to go and work outside the home because it was not the thing, right? Most women from a nice family maybe went to school, got educated and got married. And my grandmother was my grandparents too, by the way. My grandmother had no interest at first to get married. She wanted to teach. She wanted to give back. And this is when my great grandfather built her a school. Now, again, I grew up with this incredibly independent woman who she and really when my parents divorced when I was five. So my mom was going to school. She I mean, I have memories of us being together when they divorced, but really we lived in my grandmother's house at this point. It was her home and it was really my grandmother who had that greater influence in me. I would sit in her office and I would sit in a chair next to her and I would read and I would see her working and she ran a school, right? She also was someone that was very involved in charities and in letting her voice be heard. So I saw that from an early age. So to me, it was easy to just take my place at the table. I remember from a very early age, I would go with her to a luncheon or to this other gathering and I would make my voice be heard. Now when I came to the States and all of a sudden I lost my voice because I had been made fun of and I was told I didn't belong, that's when I started to really diminish myself. And even though it was comfortable, there was a level of discomfort because I didn't feel like myself. I felt that I wasn't being true to really who I was. I'm an outspoken person. I'm a person that has a lot of opinions and has been told it's okay, right, to have these opinions and to all of sudden be be silenced. I silenced myself because of the fear of not belonging and the fear of not being accepted. But when I realized that my need to be who I am was greater than the acceptance I would get from others, that was the reason I stepped out. And again, because I was being more true to who I had been raised to be, as opposed to who I was becoming because of the circumstances. And that's the one thing that my grandmother always said. by the way, between coming from El Salvador to the States, two years later, I went to visit my grandmother. And it was in that transition between that summer time, between going to visit her and coming back. That's when I really remembered, I was reminded of who I was and the person that had a voice. And my grandmother would always say, don't ever compromise yourself. Don't ever go with the flow. And mind you, you know. You hear it from parents, if your friends jump off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge? Of course. I would say, well, if my friends are doing it, I want to do it too, right? But at the same time, I knew what she was saying. I knew that I had a very different life and it didn't make it better, but it made me different and it was okay to be different. The other example too with that is my grandmother had her leg amputated because of a very rare form of cancer when I was young. And when most people counted her out, she redefined and continued to be who she was. And that never stopped her from being who she is. And then I thought, she can step out, despite, you know, because people would look at her, right? that lady without a leg, we would go out in public and people would stare. And she just went about, you know, with her very regal stance and would walk around. And I, and I would say, that lady's looking at you. She's like, yeah, she's never seen someone like me, but there's a lot of people who are like me that if they see me being independent and you know, being relating to me, then they would relate to somebody else in the same way and give them, give them the respect and not necessarily be someone that is stigmatized or ostracized because of their disability. love that so much the, by just being visible. You know, and often you don't even know who you're impacting, know, and who and speaking, you know, I was looking at your speaking of impacting at looking at your podcast guests. as I there a few that like really stuck out for me and like resonated related to the one religion or diversity and chronic fatigue, because so many of my friends, my listeners, my colleagues, they They're almost everyone I know is chronically a little something. That's just the community that I have actually gathered. So it's not that everyone's chronically ill as much as like that's I am chronically ill. So I gather that community. And so, and some of us don't feel seen. Some of us feel like we're the only ones with whatever problem it is that we have. And I think that there is such a powerful statement just to exist, you know, just to exist. so when you, you know, when you are working with your clients, because you're a confidence coach and you help people find their confidence. And someone comes to you who has brought, they bring these stories, right? So we bring these stories and the stories are, we've literally written a story about ourselves that is false. it's basically when I think about it, it's like, God, what a terrible story you've written. You're a terrible human being, nobody likes you, you're gonna fail at everything, like just this whole long list, right? What are some of the, what is like the first sort of thing that we're like, how do you typically recommend someone who is on this feeling, somebody listening right now, maybe who might be feeling that way? How would you start to guide them in a direction that allows them to believe that allows me allows us to believe that we are worth the effort of gaining confidence? Such a great question. there is a question that I believe we all need to really ask ourselves from time to time, because by the way, It's the way our brain works. Our brain is going to go to the negative immediately. 80 % of the thoughts we have in a day are negative. Out of the 60,000 thoughts that we typically have as human beings. And then out of those 80 % of thoughts that are negative, 90 % of them are about ruminating of the past. and we focus again on that negative, I didn't do that, I didn't get there, I don't have that, whatever it is, right? The question to ask ourselves is, is it real? So for instance, for me, a lot of times, and let's say in my corporate career, when I was feeling inadequate, when I was feeling like, who am I to, you know, or they're gonna find me out, I'm not good enough, right? I would stop and I would think, is that real? Is it real that I'm not good enough? Is it real that I don't have what it takes? And then when I started to look for the evidence that, wait a minute, I'm smart. Wait a minute, I can speak for myself. And when you start to find the evidence of the things that can contradict the negative thoughts, and you start to collect that evidence, then you can start to practice shifting. And that's the one thing with my clients, you know, when a lot of them say, well, I don't know, I've been a housewife for 40 years and I don't know what else to do because I've only, right? And that's the word, right? I've only been, I'm not, you know, blah, blah, fill in the blank, right? The first thing that we talk about is like, is that real that you're only a housewife, let's talk about some evidence of what you can do. Wow, you prioritize for your family what's important. Wow, you're able to then designate and project manage a household schedules for multiple people budgeting like when you start to find the evidence, then then you can start to not believe it 100%. but start to say something different like rather than I am not blah blah you can say well I am working on becoming more of this person and then when you more practice doing it the more evidence you will find and the more that you can build your confidence but I think that a lot of times that's where we get stuck we we believe the stories we tell ourselves as opposed to questioning whether or not it's right And a lot of people are going to define you. A lot of people are going to say, you know what? You come from another country. you're uneducated or you're not good enough. And yet if you remind yourself, like, wait a minute, I have an education. Wait a minute. I do have this and that. And you start to find these pieces that can really make up the true picture of who you are. then that reminds you to walk away from those old beliefs or from the beliefs that are not serving you. You know what I think is also interesting as you're talking about that is that, you know, for many of us, we were told who we are, whatever it is, right? So like there's a blueprint of if you're mixed race, this is what you are. And then there's like, and depending on where you're like, who you're talking to, they've got their own little, so every person's got their own little blueprint of who it is that you're supposed to be, right? So we try to like live up to whatever that, whatever that image is. and I feel like as I was listening to you talk about, is this real, right? And, questioning and challenging, you know, I think the things that you start to challenge that are the things that we've held onto for a really long time. So then now you're really sort of figuring out like, who, who am I, who was I at the core? I like how you talked about when you went back to El Salvador and you were like, we're like, I remembered who I am. I think that's a, so many of us forget who we. are or who we were or we wanted to be because we get caught up in the momentum of the story that we tell or that was told to us that we then just keep repeating. Because I'm curious, how many of these things that we talk about in our head, and in your experience with your clients, how many of these stories are stories that someone else told us at one point that we sort of internalized and decided this is my story? Yeah. Absolutely, you know I as you're speaking I was thinking of something that happened in the last few months I believe that these things that we pick up from other people are sort of like a Coat that we decide we're going to put on That is the coat that came from their closet and their closet comes, you know, it could be house where it's musty or it could be a house where you know you have animals or it could be a house where maybe the coat is not adequate for the weather because they're coming from a house that's in in a warm weather right if you think about it that way we meet people and then they are like here here's my belief and we put it on just like we would put on that coat I had a I I spent some time with my girlfriend and her and you know her mother-in-law she's wonderful I love her she's a wonderful woman but she said something to me we we had gone away and she's when we were getting dressed to go to dinner she's like my god you always look so nice for a heavy girl and I remember like at first I was like okay she reminded me that I'm fat like You don't need to remind me. I know that I need to lose some weight, right? I get it. And that's been part of my work. That's been part of the journey I'm on. But I also know that I do a lot of really great things and I take care of my health. And then as I said, thank you. Thank you so much. Right. As opposed to correcting her. So what I did at that moment, I put on the coat she was giving me. She was giving me a coat that said, hey, you are pretty, but even though you are overweight. I was taking that on and all of sudden I realized that that was weighing me down. And I became aware of what was happening in my brain because I've trained myself. But many people don't know. And then we end up carrying that and then somebody else walks in with the coat and they hand us another coat and then we put on and then all of a sudden we're immobilized because we're carrying all these like heavy coats that are preventing us from moving gracefully through our life. And those coats don't belong to us. We don't even need the coat that somebody else is giving us. But we have to practice at noticing what is happening and shedding those things and leaving them behind and deciding like, you know what? Sure, I'm overweight and I'm not dressing, you know, despite that, I am this. And let's look at who I am. Let's look at You know, the things that I love about myself, the things that I accept about myself, that maybe the world is saying something is wrong with you because you have a little bigger belly or bigger boobs. But if I just say, you know what, these are my boobs, this is my belly, this is my big thighs and I accept them and I embrace them and I'm working on loving them, then that is not going to stick. But you have to have the awareness to know that you're being handed these things that will immobilize you. It's really is, it's all about the awareness. What is it mine? Right. But that's it. And I, I think that's so like, even when you do it, you still, there's other things that you find that you're not doing it with. Right. So it's like, it's so interesting. Like, I feel like I'm constantly like becoming aware of, that just happened. And then when, when, like you said, when you become aware of it, you sit there you almost like, you know, that JIF where that, woman is sitting there and she's like the lines that the algorithm is appearing in front of her face and she's looking a little confused. Like that kind of like, I was like, is what I'm putting together right now. Okay, I see what's happening. But it's very freeing then because then you don't have to, cause I think there's another part of it where when I was little, was so growing up in Karachi it was really totally okay for people to like make really like you just said that comments about your body or your purchase just belongs right so my sister and I go to this to our relatives house and for Eid and Chacha he's my relative of our family and he big big you know extended physical like 50 people in this one house right and we go and he looks at me and he says God, you what did he said? You're so fat. If only you were thin like your sister. Right. And then he said to my sister, your skin is so dark because if only you were fairer like your sister. Right. So the two of us got like that thing. And I, I don't, I don't know how it impacted her because I was interesting. Like, but I do actually, I do know how it impacted her. And me for decades afterwards like that his voice was in my head for decades afterwards and I carried that stupid fucking coat for like 30 years We like we carry it with us and and we allowed that to define us and then because that's not who we are meant to be There's that that that inner struggle and you know I just had a conversation with my niece not too long ago. She's 11 and of course, know, 11 year old girls, they could be mean to each other and she was very upset. And my sister said, why don't you call your aunt and speak to her? And she had me on speaker phone and she said, well, you know, they said this and they don't want to be my friends and they didn't invite me. I don't know what she expected me to say, but I said, Amelia, fuck them. Who cares? Of course, my sister did not expect, right? That's what I was going to It's just like, jeez, you got to be kidding me. That's what you chose to tell her? Who cares? And by the way, if we had that mentality from an early age, like screw them. But we are said, we're taught from an early age, like, Be demure, don't disagree, be the nice girl. Who are you to speak back to an adult, right? Or who are you to, know, okay, you don't like me, that's fine, I'll just suffer in silence here and carry that for the rest of my life. No, fuck them. You know, you don't wanna be my friend? Okay, well have a nice day. And now I've taught her, right? Like when people are, it's like a little code thing. when people are in her class or whatever, there's the mean girl, she's like, have a nice day. And it reminds her, right, like, I don't need you, because there's other people that love me, other places where I belong, and I'm gonna go find them because I find my people, just like you and I have found people that surround our world, are accepting for who we are, and celebrate us. We all can do that for ourselves, but we were so caught up in looking for that person to validate us. That's the struggle. And by the way, as someone who's out in the public world, it's very easy to get caught up and remind myself like, no, I don't care for the validation. I'm doing this because this is who I am. This is what I believe. This is what I stand for as opposed to, should I say that? Because they may not like me. It's still it's trap we can fall into. Absolutely. I'm so glad you said that because I think that even being aware doesn't mean that you're that any of us is exempt because I myself have found situations where you know it's like life gets busy. You get distracted and your awareness you get cocky. You're like I'm self aware and so I've got this and then you slide and then you just slide and you're like how did this happen. And then but you know what's great about it. And I was telling somebody this the other day I said the the problem with healing is that a lot of times we feel like you heal and then it's like binary. You're, I'm broken and now I'm healed. We don't realize that it's cyclical and it's a process and that you heal, you grow, you learn, and then you slide back a little bit, you make some mistakes, but each time it gets easier and easier. Because now you have the tools. I was telling Ali, my wife, how it's so much easier to recover from some of the damage that happens now simply because I've got decades of practice and tools and resources and friends and community. So as we start to wrap up, wanted to sort of touch base on how do you work with people? like as somebody is listening to you, there are so many ways that I'm confident people are going to identify with your story and with you. What are the ways in which people can can work with you? know, thank you so much for asking this. I. love being able to come alongside of somebody that may be in the spot where I was or in the spot where they don't want to be in, right? I promised and I dedicated myself to work with women after leaving my corporate career because I wanted them to be able to have that confidence to go after the life that they desire, to live that amazing whatever. that is in your brain, stop dreaming somewhere along the line. We're like, because of the things, right? The things that we've picked up from other people or the shoulds or the shouldn'ts, right? And like your podcast, stop shooting yourself. Your reality is what I want to help you get to. And many women, whether they're transitioning from a corporate job or they want to get to the next level in a corporate job or they're trying to build a brand in business. I'm the person that not only will come alongside of them and teach you what you need to grow your business, to get clients, how to be able to consistently make offers, service, etc. All the components of building that business, I will help you. But what makes me different is that I'm also going to work with your inner being, your confidence. Because you may know what to do, but if you don't have the confidence to do it, then it's not gonna get done. I help you, I teach you tiny habits. We also look at the ways in which you sabotage yourself. We also look at the ways in which you may not be putting real targets on key intervals of places where you're going to be showing up to measure your progress toward the direction of your dreams. So that's a lot of what I do is I come alongside of one person or another in different stages. I'm the teacher at heart that goes back in my work is very individualized to the person that I'm working with and typically people will say, hey, I want to fill in the blank and then we get on a phone call and we talk and I may or may not be the right person but I'm always going to show you support and encourage you and believe in you and believe in what you're trying to do. So it all starts with a phone call and that's how we start working together. I love it. Even so it's. Like when I and Julie knows a lot of people so it was after one call with Julie. my god You were like here. Let me connect you with these people and every person you connect you with I'm like, my god This is amazing. And then I got connected to more people. So Even happen. I think that like there's like a magic. There's definitely a magic. So reach out to Julie like she's fabulous Thank you so much for joining me today. This is like so amazing. I thank you and where can people find you? People can find me and go Confidently coaching calm or I'm Julie DeLuca Collins on all the social media platforms so you can go find me You're gonna see me a little more uncensored on tik-tok than you do in other places Mainly because I love tik-tok. You will not find me on Twitter. That's that's a shit show I don't want to be in but mostly, you know again, you can find me and all the other social media platforms

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Minessa Konecky (they/them)

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