Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
We all deserve a life of joy and fulfillment, but for many of us that joy feels elusive. We've checked off all the boxes and done all the the things that the blueprint of life says should make us happy, and yet - no joy. Turns out, being happy isn't about following society's blueprint, but about creating our own blueprint for what we want out of our lives and taking action to make that happen. For us to embrace that opportunity, we first have to let go of other people prescriptions for our life choices, and build trust in our own inner compasses. That journey was hard and long for me, but it doesn't have to be. Join me as we explore and build an exciting future based on what YOU want, and how YOU feel inside, unlock a life of joy and fulfillment, and release yourself of the guilt of not enough.
Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
How to Make Friends as a Grown Up
In this week’s podcast, join me as I share my personal journey of building connections and creating a sense of community, even in the face of challenges like social anxiety, neurodivergence, and constant pain. Throughout my life, from moving countries to navigating various towns within Massachusetts, I've developed a unique system that allows me to thrive socially while respecting my own boundaries and needs.
Check out the entire podcast and video here: https://stopshoulding.me/2023/08/23/ep-71-making-friends-as-a-grown-up/
CONNECT WITH ME MORE AT:
http://www.stopshoulding.me
https://www.instagram.com/minessa.konecky/
🎵 Thank you to Karacter for allowing me to use Telepathy (2005) in my intro.
This is one of my favorite albums of all time.
👉 Check it out: https://karacter.bandcamp.com/album/karacter
Hello, welcome to episode 71 of the Stop Shooting All Over Yourself podcast. I am Vanessa Konnicki, your host, and I am so happy that you are joining me here today to help find more joy in your life, and one of the ways in which we find joy is through human companionship and building relationships and community, which is something that I have had to work very deliberately and intentionally at most of my life, because it's not something that comes naturally to me. I have typically always latched on to my sister or the person that I was dating to be able to make friends, because I get so anxious in social situations. I got sick a lot, but at the time I didn't know that I was chronically ill. I didn't know that I was neurodivergent, I didn't know that I had mental illness, and so there were a lot of things as I was growing up that I didn't know about myself that made it difficult for me to make friends. So usually I would make friends by accident. In my mind, that's how it appeared to me.
Speaker 1:As I got older and started to take more action intentionally to build friendships and make relationships, I started to realize that I actually had a process and a system that allowed me to go into various areas, spaces that were had people congregating around a particular idea, thought, person, whatever it is right, and build relationships and create friendships. And I didn't realize it at the time that I was building this system, but when I was, say, in about the last five years, as I have been very intentionally building my relationships and been much more mindful about how it is that I make friends, where I go to make friends, who I hang out with, things like that I realized that this is a really great way to make friends and I started to share it with a lot of the people that I know and with my community and with my clients, and more and more people started to use this exact same philosophy to build their own friendships and their own relationships and their own communities, and so I wanted to share it with you in this podcast, sort of just the. If you have trouble making friends as a grown up, here are some. Here's a tactic, a strategy that might work for you, with some tactical steps to help walk you through that process. So I'm going to share with you my journey of how I built my friendships and my relationships, and I will also share a really great, great story about the magic that can happen when you put yourself out there, even when you were afraid. Now, making friends as a grown up is hard and if you have some suggestions or ideas that you want to share with our listeners, please head over to the YouTube channel at menessatv and share your feedback there, because I would love, love, love for our listeners to get guidance and help, not just for me, but from other people who've tried their own techniques to make new friends as a grown up. Let's listen in.
Speaker 1:So I've been hell bent on building developing a local community in Plymouth. I built communities for myself before online in other towns through organizations in Massachusetts, but this was different. For the first time since I moved to the States from Pakistan, I felt like I was home and Plymouth feels like it's not just where my house is right, but that's where I am from. It's where I have roots. I've put roots here and I've only been here for like a year and a half, but I feel that sense of community.
Speaker 1:So I pulled out Me Old how to Make Friends as a Grown Up Handbook and I got started, and that was when I realized that a lot of people actually struggle with making friends as a grown up, as adults. What's interesting is, I've never really had trouble finding people to hang out or socialize with, despite the fact that I am really, really socially anxious. I have anxiety, I have PTSD, I have mental illness, I am neurodivergent. I have a lot of things that really make it so that being around people is absolutely freaking, terrifying for me, right? However, yet at the same time, I have been able to build these communities and relationships, which tells me that there's something here, right? So I wanted to share those techniques with you today.
Speaker 1:So, for people who are kind of like yeah, I want to make friends as a grown up, but God, how do I even do that? How do I hear it from so many people? Hey, this is how I do it, right, and you're going to love it. Okay so, but let's, let's come back to the anxiety part, because, it's true, I am socially anxious, even though people don't typically believe that, because I seem like I'm such a social butterfly, but it's because I have tools I'm actually I struggle most in one-on-one conversations Like I really struggle in those two-on-one conversations I'm actually okay with. And then, if we're in a group of three or more, like three people, like four people and, like me, where I'm one of the four, I feel much better because it just takes the pressure off.
Speaker 1:I am really terrified of being in large groups of people. That comes from my PTSD and it it works itself out. So it's not something that I feel constantly. But before I go to an event or right before I walk into an event is usually where the panic is there and that's where I have to do all of my tools. Once I get in and start talking to them around, then I find my safe people right, and then it's sort of like it, it, it, it.
Speaker 1:Your confidence grows as you're there, right, my brain fog also adds to this problem because I know your name and your kid's names but, like, I'll often doubt myself and refuse to say your name until somebody else says it first, and then I'll tell myself oh, my God, manessa, you knew that person's name all along. Why don't you just trust yourself? And then that can send me on like a complete spiral of me thinking that you think that I was rude because I'm autistic, I struggle with eye contact and so, like I often find myself saying hold eye contact, then stop holding, hold eye contact, then stop holding. Right, I'm listening to you, but at the same time, I'm trying to make sure that I'm holding eye contact because I want you to know that I'm listening to you and I'm not sure what's appropriate. So there's all these things are going on in my head in a social environment that send me an entire spiral, right. So it's very easy for me to get caught up and saying that I'm hoping that you feel some sort of connection in that, like there's something in there that resonates with you as to why it is that you also struggle with making friends.
Speaker 1:Now, on paper, you would not think that I would make friends easily and or find myself engaging in social activities at all, but yet I do, right, and within the span of one year in Plymouth. So I've only been here like a year and a half now. We're actually in our second year. I can't walk down the street in Plymouth without having someone screaming hello from the street. Oh my God, hey, how are you doing? You're literally everywhere, right? So I have built a home and a community here in a way I didn't expect, which is great, using the tools that have worked for me in other places. It just happened to work really well here, which makes me kind of feel like, as much as I feel like Plymouth is my home, I feel like Plymouth feels like I am home, right? So like that's a nice feeling too.
Speaker 1:So the key here is is I'm sharing this with you because I tend to prefer isolation to socialization and I also like having a community, and also because I have my aforementioned shit to deal with. It has to be on my terms, right? So the key is finding communities that will let me exist on my own terms, but it doesn't in any way create a hardship for other members of the group, right? Because it would make me feel guilty and then I would self reject. If I felt like my challenge has made it harder for the group, then I would just reject myself out of that group because I didn't want to make things hard for people, right? So I was telling my wife the other day listen, if someone like me can build community, then anybody can do it, right?
Speaker 1:So there are three things that are, like, really important. The first is your framework and approach, the two is your topic of interest and the three is your plan of action. Okay. So first is framework and approach. Okay, so there's a few things in the framework and approach section, there is the I call it my way of absolute candor. Right, it comes from that area of my philosophy which you can find on Instagram. I have my life philosophy there. But the thing that you have to know is what can you tolerate and what can't you tolerate, like? You have to really know that about yourself and you have to be honest with yourself about it. There are plenty of characteristics I can choose to deny for a long time about myself because it embarrasses me, and I didn't know that those things came from my neurodivergence because at the time I didn't know that I was right. But they embarrassed me and I now know that they're totally normal and they're normal for someone like myself and it's fine. It took time, therapy and self-awareness, but mostly it took a willingness for me to just accept that I've got my own quirks right.
Speaker 1:If you're the sort of person who gets anxious in a room with 20 people in it after 20 minutes, then accept that and go into each event with a plan for knowing how you wanna deal with those moments. So you're gonna leave? Are you gonna go somewhere? Like I have that problem and we'll talk about my technique later. Right, it is better for you to have a plan for how you're gonna deal with those moments rather than have those moments come upon you and then feel like that panic, because then you really don't know what to do and now you feel like a failure and you have to cause. There's so much stuff happening. Right, if you have the plan in place, then now you can go to the event and feel confident that you're prepared for when that time does come right.
Speaker 1:So, for example, here's how I do it I can be in a room of a lot of people for about 15 to 20 minutes, and then I need to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. If I am in significant pain, it might actually be a little bit less time, just because I need to sit down, I need to cringe, I need to sit and just be like, oh God, you know it's painful those of us with chronic pain, we know that right. And then I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, right, so I go to the bathroom. I'll sit in the loo by myself in the stall for like five minutes. So I'm gonna put my headphones on and I'll just breathe deeply, okay, so I'll do that and I'll get myself back on track and then I'll go back into the group for another 15 minutes and I will do that until I feel like I can no longer tolerate it and then I leave. Right, it's like you know what. I've done this twice and now I've hit my limit and I'm done Cause I can also get overstimulated.
Speaker 1:And if I get overstimulated then I'm not having fun, I'm not actually showing up the way I want to, I'm not gonna feel good about it. So I've learned to recognize when I'm getting overstimulated and then when it's starting to happen, so that I can. And talking with my friend one of my friends who's also neurodivergent, helped enormously, because she shared like how overstimulation manifests for her and I was like, oh my God, now I understand what that is. And then I saw, oh, this is what's happening. When I had a certain point in some of these events and then I was able to know that I need to take myself out of it and that I'm not gonna be able to rescue myself during that time right Now, I used to worry that people would be like God, why is Vanessa going to the bathroom constantly? But I promised you, nobody's even noticing, nobody cares. And honestly, when you tell people that that's what you're doing. They're like, oh my God, that's such a good idea. I'm gonna do that too, and you realize how many of us feel the same way.
Speaker 1:Two is you've got to plan ahead okay. So you won't feel comfortable doing something that you don't do often if you don't have a plan in place for how to deal with the more common unpleasant situations that you might have to deal with, for example, the aforementioned not being able to be in rooms for a very long time with lots of people. I now know where the bathroom is in every building from here to Kingston, because every event I go to, I know what's gonna happen. And so I go. I look at the bathrooms. I say, okay, is it stalls? Can I go hide? Because I don't like. If it's like a single bathroom, I can only hide for so long. If it's like a bathroom with like four stalls in it, I can hide for longer. Like I like to know these things, it makes me feel comfortable, so I do that right.
Speaker 1:I also listen to a lot of like very specific music before I go to an event to kind of pump me up. I sometimes will listen to like the same song. Like five million times. I've been listening to the same set of eight songs for like two years now and I just put them on and it gets me in the place where I need to go. I regulate myself and I'm able to go in, right? I always bring my iced tea with me so that I never have to worry about being dehydrated or not having something that I like to drink or whatever. Like often there's water or something, and that's fine, but I bring my tea with me anyway, just to be on the safe side.
Speaker 1:And then I have three questions, right, that, like you can, that I ask people you know for every like, just general like for the Massachusetts, it's always something related to, so, depending on the time of the year, I can do something related to the Patriots or the Red Sox, because everybody's like huge into the sports. The other is what shows are you watching right now? Right, and have you done anything fun in the summer? Or what have you been doing this winter? Right? So I have. Those are some things that I will ask people to sort of like engage in conversation Sometimes if they're going to an event that is specific, like I went to an event a strawberry moon festival at 13 Court Street in Plymouth and it was a very witchy woo place.
Speaker 1:So I had questions ready for witchy woo stuff, right, it was amazing. I got some magic potions and it was fabulous, right. So, you know, I asked, I remember asking them things like how long have you known the owner of the store? How long have you been practicing magic? Where do you live in town? You know that kind of thing, you know, to just get sort of conversations going, I also have, if you're able, right. So, like my wife came with me to that event, my friend Jenna used to come with me to some of my professional events. So if you have like a plus one, they use their like buddy dude, so lucky, take advantage of that. Right, have those three questions ready, right.
Speaker 1:Some ideas I think we said are what are shows are you watching these days? What books are you reading? What is your favorite part about this event or group? You wanna know when you wanna leave, so, for yourself, plan in advance. You're like, okay, I'm leaving at this time. If you're having a great time, no reason not to stay right, but if you are not having a great time, you can leave early. But you know that, okay, I'm leaving at this time will make you feel like you're comfortable with the plan that you have. So that's super important, right? Sometimes you will, you know, like it also depends on the event. So, like, if you're going to like a jewelry making class, right, so I did that one of those events the other day I'm probably gonna stay for the full three hours. So I'm not gonna leave halfway after making my silver necklace, but if it's like a networking event, I could leave probably an hour in or two hours in, like I can leave whenever I want, right? No one minds.
Speaker 1:By the way, if you leave early, follow up with an email. Even if you leave early, follow up with an email, don't say I'm sorry I left earlier or anything. Just follow up and say, hey, I had such a great time, this was fabulous. The connection will be made, the work will be done. You will have gotten exactly what you need by showing up and then emailing. That's all you need. Really, you don't have to be there for the whole thing.
Speaker 1:Third is the curiosity is a gift, so you need a list of questions to get you going. You know the simple ones that you'll remember that we talked about those three questions, right? But, and that will get you started, okay. So, like, when you start going to events and doing stuff, you'll want these three questions because, like, honestly, if you're feeling a sense of panic when you see a human being, you're not gonna remember the questions unless you wrote them down. And like you're like that's what I'm gonna ask. And in some cases, like I don't remember my questions because I'm really having a high pain day and my anxiety is bad and someone will walk out to me and I'll be like shit, I have no questions and then I'll just pull the same thing out of my ass. What do you do? It's fine, it'll get the conversation going.
Speaker 1:However, over time in the conversation, right, cultivate a true sense of curiosity about people, right? So, like, one of the things is it's hard to be afraid, if you're like genuinely curious. So when someone walks up to me and I'm talking to them, initially my anxiety is very high, but one of the tools that I use is to cultivate a curiosity and listen to what they're saying, right? So when I listen to them, right, and developing an interest in what are they saying, what are they like, look for signs that they're lighting up when they talk about something or what is a word that they, or a thing or a topic that they bring up that resonates with you, that you can sort of latch onto and dig a little deeper, right, if you share an interest in common with them, then let them know and you guys will dive right down that and that'll solve most of your problems in terms of anxiety, like right off the bat. If you don't find anything in common and you notice that their eyes light up when they talk about fishing or swimming or whatever right, ask questions about that, because cultivating your curiosity about people in general really like people like to be acknowledged, they want to be seen, they want, they like to share their stories, and so the most powerful thing you can do is listen.
Speaker 1:I cannot remember for the life of me where I saw or heard this, but somebody said something said once that you know, if you want people to think that you are a great conversationalist, just listen to them and ask them questions about themselves and they'll walk away thinking that you are very interesting and that has really really like. I've held on to that. I think I actually read it in a comic book, like I think Jughead said it or something Like that's how like long I've had this in my system. I just don't remember that's. It's like, feels like it's been there forever, but I know it was like years and years ago. That curiosity will serve you very, very well. Now, this next one is really interesting. It seems like it might be more appropriate for therapy, but it is what it is right. You gotta love yourself.
Speaker 1:The biggest issue with doing any kinds of friends making is the fear of rejection. What if they don't like me, right? What if they don't like me? Years ago, my sister was 11, and she tells the story all the time. It's totally okay for me to share.
Speaker 1:We weren't allowed to have birthday parties growing up. We were really poor and so we never had birthday parties. We had one, I think, when I was four, and then after that we just were able to have a friend over or something right. But when Sire was 11, she was allowed to have a party for the first time ever in years, right, so she's so excited. I remember we hung streamers in the house, we had cake and chips and games. It was so fun. She was like 11, right, so it was so much fun and we invited her entire class and everybody that she's ever known, and I think the party started at 10 or 11, and it's like 11 o'clock and no one's there, and then 11.15, and 11.30, and then we start to realize that nobody is coming and nobody came and it was devastating. I, my heart breaks for my little sister, like, honestly, she's freaking, 43 years old now. It's like I'm still like, oh, my baby sister, like I remember her crying. She was crying so hard, she was so hurt, right. That kind of thing just like.
Speaker 1:And it's a fear, right. Nobody wants to be rejected like that, right. And so that feeling is awful and nobody wants to feel it right. And I know that over the years, cyra and I have many, many, many times talked about that and how many times she has had something to do where she says I just don't want this to be like my 11th birthday, right, but she doesn't anyway. Okay, she doesn't anyway, which is like amazing. She's an inspiration to me.
Speaker 1:So you know whether you've had a similar experience or just heard of it happening to other people, it's a fear for a lot of us, which is why we don't want to put ourselves out there, right. So this is also the toughest thing to do because of that rejection and often, you know, we reject ourselves and loving yourself is a journey. Now, look, it's not necessary for you to love yourself to be able to go out and have a community of friends and build relationships, but it is a critical element to building joy and happiness in your life. And it does make it a lot easier to take those risks, because if you're rejected by others, it doesn't hurt as much because you have your unwavering love of yourself, loving yourself, to support you right? So, that said, don't use lack of loving yourself as a reason to not take action about anything that we talk about, because those actions will help you to develop that loving and trusting relationship with yourself. So, like it's kind of like feeds onto itself.
Speaker 1:Now, the other thing you want to consider is that these events are a way to learn, and this is going to segue into like. The other thing is like you've got to learn what you're actually looking for in the event that you're going to and what it's you're hoping it will scratch, right. So every event you go to is you sort of scratching and just you know, in you interviewing the event to see if they scratch the itch that will make you want to go back again. What is your desire? So to determine whether a group and organization or like a you know is, is a success, you first have to know, like, why you're going. Are you lonely and looking for friends? Are you a business owner trying to grow your network so you can increase sales? Are you, are you someone who's friends went off and had kids and now you have no one else to hang out with? Do you enjoy a particularly hobby but you can't find anybody to do it with? Are you not sure, right? Maybe you just want to try a few things out and see what happens. Regardless of what your reasoning is, you have to, whether it's focused and crystal clear, or you have a feeling that you want to grow your network or your and relationships and you just want to try some things out. It is really important that you recognize whether you know or you don't know, and then you like, if you don't know, that you're just kind of trying to figure out what do I want, right, sort of like when you think about dating and relationships, like you date a bunch of people to figure out what you like, what you don't like. This is what I wanted, a partner, this is what I don't want, and so on and so forth. You know our friendships, jobs, relationships. The same thing is true for this. Right, as you're going in and you're meeting these people and you're like, okay, this event was great, I like this, this and this no-transcript. Did it scratch an itch for me? No, but I really enjoyed it. I think I'll go back again and see. Maybe it will turn out to be the thing. Right, you go for like six months and then you're like you know what? This isn't really doing it for me.
Speaker 1:I did that with an organization. I actually went in, I went to the free version, Wasn't sure how I felt about it, but like it had something and I was getting something. So I'm like, all right, went into the paid version for a year and like I was like you know what? By the end of the year I was like, yeah, this isn't really working for me, and so I kind of I just left it and it was no big deal, no harm, no foul.
Speaker 1:But I learned what I didn't want, which was I didn't want to join a group. That was a cult of personality. Right, that was what turned me off about the group was that it was all about like the one person and everybody was oh right, and that's, I wasn't, that wasn't really my thing. I was looking for more of like a community, less of like a. I mean, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that group, it's just that wasn't what I was looking for, right? So?
Speaker 1:But knowing whether you know what you're looking for or not will help you make it easier for determining whether something is a success or a failure. Because if you, let's say you know what you want, then you very quickly can be like okay, yeah, yeah, this is a failure, this is a success. If you don't know what you want, then you're going to think that things are failures because you don't know what you want, right. But if you know in advance, going in, that I'm not aware of what I want and I'm trying to figure that out, then an event will be less of a success and a failure and more about like, almost like, research. Hmm, I wonder if what about this event could work for me, right? So, um, what I recommend is, after each event, take note what did you like, what didn't you like? You may not know it all at once, right? Um, you may, um, you know, thinking about in terms of research. You may know some of it right away, and then a few weeks later you'll be like you know what I didn't like about that event.
Speaker 1:I hated that the drive was so far. I actually don't think, and this was one of my people, one of the organizations I was going to join. I really loved it. It's like it's fabulous it's actually she Breeds in Walpole Amazing. So I think everybody should join it. I want to be a part of she Breeds, but it's so far away from me, right, that, um, and I didn't want to.
Speaker 1:I and I was really looking for in-person, not virtual, and so for me it didn't end up being a good fit, regardless of the fact that it's a really good organization that I wanted to be a part of. That was the area that didn't fit with me, right. So you may figure that out later. But it really is about trial and error and about recognizing that you're not going to be your best friend the first time you go out. Though you might, though you might, um, what you're really trying to do is sort of identify what you like and what you don't like, right. Here's the thing A lot of times we're worried about giving up on an organization or something too soon, or, and that's a real fear, like what if this is the one?
Speaker 1:And you like my wife, right? So my wife and I met on OKCupid. We talked for like a week or so and then my brother moved here to go to college it's like 15, 20, 15 years ago and I was so busy dealing with the college and the drives and whatever, I just totally ghosted her. And then I was like, oh, you know what, I'm just getting off of dating, I'm done with dating, whatever, right. And so, um, and then she and I was just going to let it just whatever. And then I saw her picture and I thought, oh, I really liked her. I wish I had, I wish I hadn't ghosted her. And I was like, oh well, it is what it is Right. As I'm shutting down my account, and then she sends me a message and says, hey, how are you doing? And I was like, oh, look at that, right. And I was like, ok. So I had a second chance with her and now we're married and you know she's, she's the one right, she's my one.
Speaker 1:If you are meant to be in that group, and that's the right group for you to be in, it'll come back around, because one of the things that I found forgetting about cosmic significance right is that if you are consistently putting in effort to go, look around with these places to research and check things, you're going to meet a lot of different people. Your network is going to grow and you'll hear the same names come and when you start to find your niche in space, you'll start to hear and see the things that are your people. You never really know when you're going to unlock that portion, if one that you went to happened to have a bad night and you're just like forget this, but it is the one and you keep trying and erroring. Eventually you're going to hit upon somebody who's going to tell you to try it and you'll be like I tried it, it sucked, but no, no, really, you should try it. You'll try it again and you'll be like, oh my God, it's so wonderful this time around. I'm glad I came back. So don't worry about FOMO, don't worry about making a mistake.
Speaker 1:I have been doing this long enough and helping people do this long enough to discover that, because of networking and the networking philosophy that I train on, it creates a synergy where things just keep coming back around and so there's not one chance only to do something. There's many, many different chances and networks that you're a part of for a while that you leave will then come back and rear their heads again, but now, because you were in this network, like three years ago, for two years now, you're like the OG, rather than being the person who just came in and you're like I'm an OG, you're like, okay, sure, those are the things you really want to be thinking about. It's not any one activity that's going to be the thing that creates your relationships. It's going to be the consistent effort over time, which, I have to tell you, I fucking hate the consistent effort as the answer to everything, but that is just the way. It is All right, let's move into what interests you, because we talked about laying the groundwork within ourselves, but how do you actually do the thing to meet the people For this situation? This is going to pick out the different types of organizations that you might want to be looking at to be able to make friends. Because we talked about, okay, this is how you want to conceptually approach it, but now we're talking about okay, but where am I going? What am I looking for? I'm going to share a little bit about how I do it and how I recommend people follow that model.
Speaker 1:There is a video series on YouTube that I have called oh my God, I forgot what I called it. My God, that's so funny. Well, you know what You're going to get to see this. It's been years since I looked at it. It's really good, though. I forgot what I called it, but it's really good. Hold on, we're going to go into it. Oh my God, it's so good. It's called Adding Rocket Field to your Social. Okay, it's a video series called Adding Rocket Field to your Social, and it will actually give you a blueprint for how to do this, and there's also a workbook that will walk you through the process, so you're more than welcome to just download that. That's my gift to you. Okay, so let's talk about the approach and then I'll send you over to the roadmap to success video series for how to do this.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we've set the groundwork. So how do you meet the people? So for this conversation, we're going to stick with things that you can do locally, because that was one of my key mission items. My nose is itching, so please hold. This is that I wanted to build community. Yeah, no, we're not editing any of this out. This is all real people in the South Shore of Massachusetts.
Speaker 1:So I picked a small area, the one that I live in, and then set the parameters for my search. So my thing is this I have so much pain, I can only drive so far. Okay, so that is key. I can only drive so far. So I was limited by geography. In some places that I've lived, that geography has been more challenging than others. So when I lived in Franklin, that geography was more challenging because Franklin is such a commuter town and it's far away from a lot, as opposed to say, even though it has a central location to get to the city, it's still a lot of traveling. And Plymouth is like these towns are all like right up against each other's asses and there's lots and lots of networking and events and things happening in the area. So the infrastructure of the towns in this area make it easier for me to do this than it did somewhere else.
Speaker 1:So something to keep in mind as you're doing this is to recognize what place do you live in. Do you live in a Franklin where you may have to go further out, or there are less organizations, or you might be finding it more challenging, or do you live in a Plymouth where there's, like so many, right, you can barely walk across the street without tripping over an organization? So I made mine in the South Shore of Massachusetts. I determined my radius for how far I was willing to drive to events that happened in person, and I set the parameters for my search. And then the next is you need to know what interests you. So what are you looking for in terms of your topic interest? Not everybody likes to talk about the same thing, so you want to pick a place where people are gathering around ideas and topics that resonate with you. If you're not a vegan, joining the local Don't Eat Animals group is probably not going to work for you. You're going to get all those people who are interested in similar topics. So one of the places that I got started and I'm still a part of this group, even though I don't run a business because I actually think that this group is just amazing in terms of networking, just socially as well. But this is typically. I always have one of these on my roster and it's the business networking group.
Speaker 1:Now there are business networking groups all over the country, both online and local, and not all of them are created equal. There's a range of them, right? You've got your B&Is, which are very transactional, very masculine, very regimented in their approach to organizations that prioritize education, socializing and community development, that are very feminine in their approach. Some of them may use all inclusive terms, right. So where when they say women's group, they mean we don't care, but this is a women's group but we don't. Everybody can come, right. So if you're a man, come. If you're non-binary, come, whatever, right. Some maybe some maybe groups that you're not sure if you're included or not, right, and so you typically don't want to go to those because you're not sure right Now, because there are so many different types, it means you're going to need to try out a bunch before you know which one is right for you, because if you happen to be all into community and you go to you know a very transactional type space and you're not going to be happy. I would advise you of being a part of like one or two networking groups that most like business networking, like don't overdo it. Pick one, pick two, make those your thing, your jam, and that's where you go, right. But you're going to probably try out a bunch before you find your sweet spot.
Speaker 1:Now I'm a member of one networking group in the South Shore of Massachusetts. I was the South Shore Women's Business Network and I'm a membership chair there. So if you have any questions and you're in the South Shore and you want to learn more, you can always message me. But when I was in Franklin I was part of the Women's Success Network, which, I cannot stress enough, is an absolutely amazing group. I was also on the board there. I was our marketing chair and, oh my God, I loved it there and that was the group that I found in Franklin. Right, I went looking and looking and looking and that WSN was the one that I found after many trial and error in other places. That was like the niche for me. I loved it so much and the only reason I'm not still a member is just because of the drive right. It's a very, very long drive.
Speaker 1:Now I prefer smaller organizations that are geared towards women, even though I identify as non-binary. I was socialized as a woman, I grew up in a woman. I feel more comfortable in women's spaces, even though I'm non-binary, right, and that's okay and I'm welcome in those spaces. I prefer that the organizations I participate with have some element of giving back to the community. I like there to be some direct sellers in the group, because direct selling is a typically stigmatized profession and I want a group where they are welcomed the same way everybody else is. So that really means something to me if you have direct sellers. If there's an organization that says that they don't accept direct sellers, then I don't want to join them right Now. That said, there are people who would prefer not to be part of an organization where there are direct sellers, and that is your prerogative. But know that right. And if you're a direct seller, don't try to join those right Now. I also won't consider an organization that doesn't have a discounted fee or a free option for guests to visit, because if you have to sign up to even go to a single meeting or you have to be sponsored to join, it's just not something that appeals to me. I don't think that it's wrong or right, it's just not my thing.
Speaker 1:These are my requirements and I built them over the years. I didn't know these were my requirements when I first started. When I first started, I just was going to networking events and I picked these out as I went, it was like, ooh, I don't like this or oh, I like that, right. I typically also don't like networking events that are all about like you come in and all you're doing, everybody's selling, everybody's selling, everybody's selling like. I find that to be incredibly boring. Now you'll build your own list of what you like and you don't like as well, but the only way you're actually going to learn is through trial and error. So I've been through about 20 to 30 different networking events by different organizations over the last five years, depending on where I was living and what I was doing and what my goals were, and I joined one in each region and I ended up ultimately. Now you know I just have the one and I have the sexual conference for women that I'm on the board for, and that's really enough. Like I really built most of my network through that in terms of my professional network, because there's more than just professional networks right, there's also the regional conference and event. This is the South Shore Conference for Women.
Speaker 1:Right Now, there are tons of national conferences happening all over. Those are typically not helpful for building your local relationships, okay. So that's really where that challenge comes in. Is that, if you're trying to build local relationships. You're going to a national event. It can be challenging. So trying to find region specific or locally specific conferences will really help you because then the people that you're meeting are from your area, which will give you the ability to further that relationship sooner, faster and more effectively. Right Now, typically these events are meant to not really create like there, of course, did help to create business opportunities, of course, but they're also really there to create relationship and networking opportunities for people and they take a very different take on conferences and topics that are relevant because they're really centering around a region as opposed to around a particular subject matter.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying. So if you're in Massachusetts, anywhere, you can check out. She's Local because there are about 10 or 11 conferences that are like hyper local to the New England area there. So I know for sure that that's something that exists in Massachusetts. I would definitely recommend checking your local area to see event. Bright is a good place to be looking for that.
Speaker 1:That's sort of, I think, how I found it and also join your local chamber. Now you don't have to join your local chamber, like as when I say that let me rephrase you don't have to pay to join. You can follow them on Instagram, you can go to their website and check things out. So you don't have to join with money. You can get a huge value out of your chamber just by looking at what they're offering. The other thing is is some networking events. Some organizations have relationships with chambers so that if you're like in the SSWBN, we have a complimentary membership with the chamber right. So now we have both, and so you may be able to have that as well. So that's something to consider Now.
Speaker 1:So what you're really looking for in this particular case is local conferences and events that are bringing local people together. Okay, so now the thing to keep in mind with the local conferences is that the first year of a local conference for you attending you, kind of either it can go either way, either you can use it. So what I typically do is I'll go in and I'll use it to get you know, to sort of like plant the first seeds, but it's not typically the moment that actually, like you know, ignites everything. What ignites everything is a follow up that I do after. So don't forget to follow up after conferences, because it's really hard to build relationships with people if you're not following up, okay, all right, so then the then. Then let's talk about, lastly, hobbies, crafting, gaming. Okay, so this one, this is just interest unrelated to work, unrelated to business. It's really just pulling people together around hobbies, things that they love to do together.
Speaker 1:Look in your area for local craft studios pottery studios, paint and sip, quilting and crafting. You can find these in your local events on Facebook. On next door, you can find them on meetup. If you're in the South Shore, hit me up. There's a. They have so many connections for crafts and there's a crafting studio nearby where they she does a lot of events. You might center around mindfulness, mental health, like yoga, meditation group classes, things like that where people get to know each other.
Speaker 1:If you're into sports tennis, your local adult rec center, like getting together. There's a. There's a tennis group that meets in the local playground and it's a bunch of people and I saw them there and I thought, yeah, you know what are these like. This is like a closed group, like what's the story? And I asked them about it and they were like no, like this is our wreck. This is the field that we come in and play tennis. We are all part of the adult education tennis thing and but I thought they were all friends who just did this every Wednesday. Nope, they it's. These are people who. That's how they met each other.
Speaker 1:So your local adult education center might have a might have a lot in there as well, looking for things centered around crafting a language. You know, these are learning something, right, curiosity. So those are really great ways to meet people because in those cases you're really you're you're. It kind of absolves you of all of the anxiety and whatnot, because kind of you go in and you're focusing on this one task and like, if it's like, let's say, it's like a three day course or like something you have time to get to know each other, it's also a really great way. So, like, one of my friends did pottery and she said you know, what happened with her when she did pottery was like she was so focused she didn't want to be talking to her and she's like leave me alone, whatever right. But then she got more familiar and comfortable with it, like she didn't need as much of her attention to be going on that and now she started having conversations with people around her. You know, this was like a six week pottery class.
Speaker 1:So there's a lot of different ways to build relationships in these things. It's just a matter of figuring out what do you like to do. My wife built her friends group this is actually great. So she plays competitive card games right, like a magic type card games, right and so she went to this local card gaming store for a net runner night to play net runner with a bunch of people. That's the card game, and she ended up meeting a group of people and then they came over to our house like 10, 15 years ago. Literally, they no longer play net runner, but this group of people is now so much wider, bigger, like the relationships that were built around it were lifetime relationships now and now they have like people come in and talk about finance and other things, like there's a lot more that got built, but it started with the, with the fundamental desire to play net runner together and that's it.
Speaker 1:Look on for. Look on Eventbrite. Eventbrite is a really great place to find events and then also ask on your local, your own like Facebook page. You can join your local Facebook group. You know we have a Facebook group called All About Plymouth. We had one called All About Franklin, like they have what was called something fanking connection, like every town has something like that, or most towns do leverage that and ask in there hey, do we have something like this? The other thing to think about is this if you are sure, if you get fine stuff and you are so inclined, you can set something up yourself, okay?
Speaker 1:So years ago, my sister went to a networking event. You never know, because this story is going to, we're going to go back to the 11th grade, 11 year old Saira not having a party story, right. So Saira went and did a resume workshop, right, oh, no, no, no. So, okay, you can set something up if you're so inclined. So years ago, saira went to a networking event in Hollis and the event itself was fine. She went in, everybody talked, but like, while everybody was talking, like eight people needed help with their resume and Saira was like, and she's amazing at resumes, like so good. So Saira was like, yeah, you know what I can help you guys with resumes, sure. And so she. They did an impromptu resume thing, like. So one of the women at the event said you know what? We can do it in my house. So they set up an impromptu resume training session. Saira went to the house, she had eight people there. Saira helped them out with their resume. It was amazing. She developed a new set of friends. It was fabulous, all was great right. And while they were having this resume thing, saira, the story about the 11th birthday party came up and she told them the story about how nobody showed up to her 11th birthday party. Okay, and everybody was predictably like, oh my God, how awful, right, cause, like that sucks. So Her resume writing abilities were apparently so great that they were like oh my God, you know what, we're gonna spread the word about you. So they started spreading the word about Sire.
Speaker 1:So there's one day Sire gets a call and the one of the women says you have to come over to my house right now. There's somebody here and she needs your help. There's a resume emergency. And so Sire calls me on the way to this. She calls me and she goes and we're talking and I'm like where are you going? She was like, oh, I got this call from this person. And she's like you know, somebody needs help as a resume emergency. And I'm like what the fuck is a resume emergency? Like, is there a job that she has to apply for, like immediately like I don't know what a resume emergency is. But okay, whatever, right, we thought it was super weird, but you know, and so she's driving. And so she's like I'm almost here, okay, I got wait a minute. She's like why are there so many people here? She's like she's like all these people have a resume emergency. So I was like okay, I was like whatever, well, let me know what happens, cause it's fucking weird.
Speaker 1:So she's like, all right, so she brings the doorbell and she goes in and they, she says, oh, come, come to the yard, right, and they bring her to the yard and they had thrown her in 11th birthday party. Everybody came and they had a pony, and they got the kinds of toys that you'd given 11 year old in 1992, you know, or 1991, and they give her cabbage batch, kid and Barbies, and it was just, they threw her in 11th birthday party. And then we're like so many people. So she called her friend, her husband and her kids, they all came and it was. So she sent me a picture and she told me, and I was like what?
Speaker 1:And it just goes to show you that that these things they don't define us, you know, and that there is so much kindness and joy in the world and that you don't know where these relationships are going to go. So what I want to invite you to do as you're, as you're thinking about this don't go into these things automatically thinking that they're going to be bad, because look at what happened, right. Like they that, like I, know that anxiety and anxiety are going to be a big part of this. I know that anxiety makes us feel like we're going to be rejected, but you never know what's going to happen when you set something up yourself, right, so okay. So, last but not least, I want to encourage you to go slow.
Speaker 1:If you're like me, then every time you have an idea to do something, you come up with a plan to bust it right out of the park from day one and you're like, yeah, I'm going to totally do this. You make a plan, you have events scheduled every week and you go balls to the walls and by the time you're done with week two, you want to die and you're like, totally over it. I did. I remember, actually, when I did this, the very beginning. So, like April 2018-ish, like that whole era, oh Jesus, I burnt, my, I was, so I was already burnt out and I burnt myself out even more on network. It was awful. Now there's a whole mechanism for how to methodically go through a list of networking events that I put together for my coaching group that is now available on the YouTube channel. It's called adding rocket fuel to your social, and the link for that is in the show notes.
Speaker 1:It's really important to just take baby steps. It takes a lot of emotional effort to develop friendships and change is really taxing. Plus, you are more likely to see giant changes really fast if you take tiny, inconsistent steps. And it just so happens that the last episode we did episode 70 with Teneza shares. She talked about how often we try to make these big sweeping changes in our lives, desperately trying to live up to our own perfectionist visions, and how these plants never work and we're not going for perfection here. Okay, so we're not going for perfection. Going perfection is the reason why you've had trouble making friends as a grown up.
Speaker 1:Before Each action that you take is you planting a seed in your community. So as long as you're planting one seed here, one seed there on a consistent basis, then your garden will grow and it will feed you forever. But it will take patience. My therapist tried to impress us upon me and I listened to her and I trusted her and it annoyed the fuck out of me, but I did it and she was right, and so I now share this with people and I know that I'm annoying people, but I'm still right and it sucks. I know that it may feel like if you dive in and do all the social things at once, then you'll have that all the friends and the networking and everything that you could have possibly wanted. But just like that story with the golden goose right, that is absolutely not how it works. If you try to dive in and do all the things, you will burn yourself out in the process in less than a month and then you'll have a bunch of classes and memberships that you paid for and that you'll feel guilty about not going to. So the strategy may seem slower to slow down but it's the one that will actually work.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for being with me today on this podcast, on this lovely, lovely day.
Speaker 1:I hope that you feel like you have a direction to go in to learn how to make friends as a grownup, and if you need the blueprint, then you are welcome to head over to the YouTube channel. If you're already on the YouTube channel, you can check out this card at the end of the video. That will take you to the beginning of the how to jumpstart your social. The thing to keep in mind is this is that this was originally written for business owners, so the framework will be very businessy, okay, cause that's who I wrote it for. However, the methodology and the framework will still apply. You'll just have to translate it into that space. So it's a very helpful tool, but it will require a little bit of translation. But it is the secret sauce to amplifying just about everything that you do on social in your relationships and is a really, really great way for you to make friends, even as a grownup 典 having fun. You'll like it pretty much. You are a Psychologist.
