Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
We all deserve a life of joy and fulfillment, but for many of us that joy feels elusive. We've checked off all the boxes and done all the the things that the blueprint of life says should make us happy, and yet - no joy. Turns out, being happy isn't about following society's blueprint, but about creating our own blueprint for what we want out of our lives and taking action to make that happen. For us to embrace that opportunity, we first have to let go of other people prescriptions for our life choices, and build trust in our own inner compasses. That journey was hard and long for me, but it doesn't have to be. Join me as we explore and build an exciting future based on what YOU want, and how YOU feel inside, unlock a life of joy and fulfillment, and release yourself of the guilt of not enough.
Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
Hack Your Way to Happiness with Tanessa Shears
Ever feel like you're simply surviving, not thriving? Health consultant Tanesa Shears, who specializes in helping entrepreneurs, has a powerful answer to this predicament - biohacking for optimal performance. Our intimate chat unpacks how using wearable technology to fine-tune our brains & bodies can lead to improvements in our sleep, diet, and overall resilience to stress. Tanesa's mantra, progressing 1% at a time, emphasizes the power of small, consistent changes and how they can significantly modify our lives, both professionally and personally.
We then shift gears to discuss the ever-present challenge of balancing work and leisure. Tanesa shares her unique journey, from launching her business in 2014 to becoming a new mom in 2020, and how she creates boundaries to safeguard her own mental health. We examine how systems and optimization are crucial in managing mental load, particularly in business and marketing. Are constant notifications draining your energy? We tackle this common issue head-on and explore methods of creating a middle ground that respects your need for downtime.
Finally, we dive headfirst into the topic of combating self-doubt and limiting beliefs. Our conversation covers the power of language in decision-making, the necessity of carving out guilt-free time for ourselves, and how small decisions can have major ramifications. Ready for a shock? Tanesa's personal commitment to a daily cold shower for 10 days makes a compelling case for how minor habits can drastically improve our lives. Join our conversation to not just learn about, but truly understand how to optimize your life for maximum performance.
CONNECT WITH ME MORE AT:
http://www.stopshoulding.me
https://www.instagram.com/minessa.konecky/
🎵 Thank you to Karacter for allowing me to use Telepathy (2005) in my intro.
This is one of my favorite albums of all time.
👉 Check it out: https://karacter.bandcamp.com/album/karacter
First, I want to welcome you and let everybody know who you are. So, tanesa Shears. In fact, before we even do that, let's just get this out of the way, right. Your name Tanesa, my name Manessa. Let's talk. How did you get your?
Speaker 2:name. You know what's funny? My aunt named me and that's about. Yeah, I was unnamed for three weeks and the default was going to be Sarah after, after, if they didn't come up with anything. But my, my aunt was like what about Tanesa? And it stuck. Because, let's be real, my mom's name is Karen. My dad's name is Lynn. They were trying for Carolyn.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I think you won out on that one that you'd like. It's. Good night, cara, lynn and Carolyn. I mean, you know, at a certain age it would be great, but, like the childhood years, would not have been fun at all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I'm thrilled that they went with Tanesa.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it's great, I love it. And there's so many. And you know what's funny? I know one other Tanesa and she spells a T-Y-N-E-S-S-A. Her name is Tanesa Franks and she's also going to be on the podcast. So when she comes on the podcast, I feel like we might need to do one with like all of us together. You know, just like at all of the strange variations of I don't even Vanessa. I was like what's the actual name of it? We need a Genessa too.
Speaker 2:Do you know a Genessa? I don't, but we should know one.
Speaker 1:We'll find one. I'll go online and start Googling it. Just find all the people who have, like the, the, the, the Anessa. So I, I would love to know, you know, aside from the, aside from the, the Anessa to Tanesa part you are, you biohack your body. That's what you talk about and that is like my, all, my, like my. Everything I train on, everything I teach, is all about how do you hack the systems within you to make your life easier rather than fighting them. I don't talk anything about health or any of that, because, let's face it, that's not really my number, that's not my number one space that I live in, but I'm fascinated by it, absolutely fascinated. So tell me a little bit about what it is that you do?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I work as a health consultant for entrepreneurs specifically, but what I do is I use wearable technology so like if you ever have, like your Fitbits or your Oro rings or stuff like that and I use them to help optimize how our brains and our bodies work, because, if we think about it, our brain is our best asset. So if I can get the capacities, if I can get this working a little clearer, little focused, more focused, if I can make decisions faster, if I can boost my energy, I'm going to be a better business owner, a better mom, a better wife. There are so many things, ways that this infiltrates my life, and the way I love to do this is I love talking about how can we optimize our sleep, how can we eat better food, how can we move a bit more, how can we be more resilient to the stressors that naturally come with a full life? Right, and so that's my thing is I just love getting in there and figuring out how we can be just 1% better at a time.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that you said 1% better at a time, Because I think that, like you know, we find so often that people are like oh you know what, I'm feeling shitty about something right? So I'm waking up, feeling shitty and I'm going to now revamp my whole life. I'm going to this is my new schedule, that I'm going to do, but that never works, Tell talk a little bit about that, Like why do you?
Speaker 1:why 1% at a time, instead of saying hey, oh, my God, your life is a mess. This is your new schedule, and telling people how to do that.
Speaker 2:Because I find that, like 98% of the people I work with, struggle with perfectionism, which is just like, if it's not perfect, what's the point? Of course, I've always been like this and we have these conversations, but once we can recognize that we're in this cycle, so what you said, you know, that perfect plan, that schedule, that every so we make this beautiful plan and we get this little high off at the dopamine, high of like, yeah, this is the time everything's going to change. And then we go out into the field and we do the things, but we realize we never planned for the fact that, like, oh, you know, our kids have all the stuff to do after school, or we actually can't do this at this time, or we didn't account for all these other things and the plan falls apart and we either just quit and tell ourselves there's something wrong with us or we beat ourselves up. That feels terrible. And what do we do to get out of feeling terrible? We create a really good new plan and we get that good feeling.
Speaker 1:I love that dopamine hit. Look, the plan is all. Once I've done the plan, it's almost too much work to actually do the thing Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so one of the things I love introducing is like this idea of like where's your minimum baseline? Here, yeah, meaning like what are the things that you know that you can do no matter what? And like coming back to your 1% point like one of the things I'm working on with a client right now is like no, I just want you to get three 10 minute walks a week. And he says that's not enough. How is that possibly going to make a difference? I was like because if this is something that you can feel comfortable sticking to for six months to a year, you're going to have built integrity with yourself, that you do what you say you're going to do and that you build on that when incorporating new habits, knowing that you're the type of person that like, oh, when I say I do this, when I say these things, I do them, and even if it starts out small but I think it's really breaking that it has to be this huge, elaborate plan for it to be worth it.
Speaker 1:It almost has to be because, like you know a lot of people this is a new thing that I'm on right now is you know, people love to say they like change and my answer is always no, you don't. Nobody likes change. So we are human beings by default. When change happens, we think, oh my God, I'm about to die, so you have, it's what happens after that, right. So, like you get through that, oh my God, I'm about to die. And then it's like no, I'm not, it's okay. Let's talk about how we can make change more palatable and sort of migrate whatever this thing is into my system. But like if you bring in 30 new things at once, your brain literally feels like you're stabbing yourself through the eyes, so like it's not pleasant and so like I feel like we almost break down under the pressure of this plan, like the plan itself.
Speaker 2:Oh, totally. And then you pair that with the fact that sometimes our expectations are off, like I did a consultation a couple of weeks ago and she said Teneza, you know it would be great. Like you know, when you're like elbows deep in a bag of chips, are you eating the cookies? And it just you really, it's so enjoyable. I want to transfer that to a salad and I was like I get that, but a salad is never going to give you that dopamine rush that you're expecting. On a salad, you've already set yourself up because you're never going to get that from a salad. You're going to get subtle well-being from a salad, but you're never going to get the intensity. And so I think it's like pairing that, like reason, like that plan that you know that you can do with expectations that are based in science and also reality, right.
Speaker 1:You know, as you were talking and maybe think about sorry, there's a giant boat outside right now.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh, giant boat. It made me think about my ideas on relationships when I was growing up. So, like for many years I'm going to tell you. I was probably in my 30s, early 30s. Oh yeah, that's how I met my wife. I had this idea that like love was that intensity, you know that, like passion that you see in the notebook right no-transcript. John Hughes is an asshole for doing this to us all. That whole series of these patterns you think to yourself, that's what love actually is. And so when that portion of it sort of dissipated, for me I was like it's not staying, which means it's obviously isn't like real love, right, and so I went through many, many, many, many, many many relationships, many, many to sort of get to.
Speaker 1:And then when I met my wife, it actually took us a few years. But now we talk all the time about how the subtle piece that comes from just trusting your partner and having a deep relationship, that they know you so well and your routines are together that is really where wellbeing comes from. It doesn't come from that. Yeah, that passion is fun, it's delicious and it's great, but it doesn't fulfill you the same way that the relationship would that's actually based on meaningful connection.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love that. Did you do Alex Formosius? Have you heard of him? No, he's an entrepreneur. He has some opinions on relationships and stuff, but one of the things that he said that has always stuck with me is, he said, relationships that have a shared life mission, that are supported by similar values, and then, with the last important thing being, overlapping interests, are the ones that last. Because when that initial passion, that fire that you were talking about, fades, then you still have that. You are on the same mission with the same values. Because if you're only in there for common interests or that fire, that spark, when that goes away, if you don't have a shared life mission or you're not on the same path together, then you're like, what are we doing?
Speaker 1:And so that was right, that is good, that's some good stuff right there. I like because you know what, because that's actually one of the things that we talk about. We often were like what is? And it's the shared mission, that really, because, like, their interests diverge, things happen. You have times when you're closer, times when you're not, but you know, and I think that that kind of does lead back. Let's go back to the health thing that we're talking about, because when you have, you said that your client asked about so what if I only do it 10 minutes three times a week? Right, my sister lost 50 pounds doing that exact thing because she was just consistent and consistent. And my wife and I joke a lot about oh, my gosh, like, what's the answer to this problem? And it's like, oh, it's consistent efforts. Fuck, like, why is the solution to everything always fucking consistent efforts.
Speaker 2:It's never the. What right the? What do I do? Is it broccoli or the quinoa? It's never that. It's never that it's like. Why can't we continue eating the thing Exactly?
Speaker 1:You can exercise right, so I'm careful. We have jumped in like I have so many, like actually I have all these questions and I realize I haven't even gotten to one, because I'm so excited about the things that we're talking about, so I've actually all right. Let's talk a little bit about something. Actually, because in your email the first email, so guys sign up for her freebie, which you can get on her website, which will be in the show notes. You send out the email with the list of things and do you follow the Huberman Lab? Are you familiar with them? I do. Yes, I saw him years ago and I can't remember what he said, but I was like oh man, you're a genius and I really like their social media game.
Speaker 2:So anyway, he starts talking about he's a little extra for me a little extra, but I still love him.
Speaker 1:But he talks about cold plunges and I'm like fuck off. And then my business coach, rebecca Tracy, goes to fricking like Iceland or something and does these plunges. I'm like fuck off. And then I see you in there being like cold plunges. I'm literally like fuck off. But I want you to know I don't. My bathroom is like the size of a porta potty, so we don't like have a tub, so I will take my shower and I put it on really cold at the very end, like I've been working my way that way it's for 10 days. I've been doing this and the other shirt. You're gonna find the hysterica. I'm sitting at the counter and I'm like it's right after my shower I'm eating and I'm like where am I feeling right now? It's like I'm feeling so strange. I was like oh, it's alertness. This is what alertness feels like. I thought that was so funny that I was like I had forgotten. I was like what a strange feeling I'm having right now. What is this? That's amazing.
Speaker 2:Then I was like how much alertness.
Speaker 1:That's what that feels like. Tell me about the cold plunges.
Speaker 2:How does that and is?
Speaker 1:the shower. Enough, does that work?
Speaker 2:Absolutely it does. I always think of it as like deliberate cold exposure, because there's being cold and then they're doing it to yourself With deliberate cold exposure and, honestly, it can be as simple as starting with 15 seconds on the end of your shower, working up to 30 or inching what you're doing, inching your way colder. But when that hits your body, your internal core is like a thermostat. It feels cold on the outside and it's like ooh, this is cold, let's turn up the temperature. That increase in core temperature signals to your brain it's time to get up alert.
Speaker 2:That's usually what our body temperature does in the morning. It boosts alertness. On top of that, it gives you a big hit of dopamine and a big hit of adrenaline. You feel clear, you feel more alert and you feel more focused. Then, if you pair that at all with caffeine, you're just like let's go. It's a hack that I use and it's not something I do every day, but it's like if I have a day where, like today is a day where I have three interviews scheduled, I need my brain super sharp, I need to be clear and I need to be focused. I hit the cold shower in the morning because I want to give myself that little edge.
Speaker 1:That helps a lot, because when it hits you, you're like there's that feeling which. I'm trying to get to the space where and it's actually now that we're at 10 days I'm now at the coldest and I can do it for like 30 seconds to a minute. It's nice, but there's that first moment of get me away from it. That's the I'm trying to, the killing your body thinks you're trying to kill yourself.
Speaker 2:It's called the mammalian dive reflex. It's a reflex. Thank you, it's a reflex.
Speaker 1:It's a mammalian dive reflex. What is it effectively trying to do? Does it think that I'm suffocating? What is that breath? What is triggering that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's the shock, right Another way of calming your body down is like, okay, let's get some oxygen in here. But one of the things you're probably noticing is cold adaptation. So for me, I used to be the person that was like I wear two pairs of socks in the winter. Keep in mind I'm up in Vancouver, Canada. It doesn't get that cold, but it's colder than a lot of places in the world. But, like I, would be so cold all year long and when I started doing these cold end of showers, I actually stopped feeling cold all the time. If anything, I run warm. Now it is so interesting and you begin to tolerate longer and longer cold showers and then you can start to build up to the point where I think I think actually, Andrew Huberman coined that it was like 11 minutes of cumulative cold exposure per week is optimal for brain function.
Speaker 1:So that's a good thing to know. So like I don't like just 11 minutes a week is enough per week and it can be divided up.
Speaker 2:It can be all at once, and that's kind of the nice thing. And I got to the point where it's like, ok, I can do about a five minute shower, so then I really only need to do it twice a week if I need it there's honestly, weeks. I don't even hit that and I kind of use it as like a buffet. It's like oh, I think I will take some alertness. Today I will go cold shower.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God, I love that. So I'm actually curious.
Speaker 1:You mentioned earlier that you focus on entrepreneurs mostly, but so I left entrepreneurship land a long time ago. I was like less than a year, so not that long but and I found since going back into the workforce that I mean like these are helpful for anybody. So I'm curious to know, because it is, and I know you're an entrepreneur, so that's probably why you selected that but I am curious to know why you mesh down into entrepreneurship, especially because what you're offering is so ubiquitous with the audience that it like burned out, exhausted women, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, what's interesting is I have had clients over the last year.
Speaker 2:I have one that was a teacher, I have one that was just doing a side hustle as a coach and there are all these different kind of layers.
Speaker 2:So your hands down and what you said, all of these things, I mean science is science here, and that cold shower will work for anybody. It doesn't matter what you do for work. So, but the thing I found is like, for me it's like I'm an entrepreneur, I know entrepreneurs and I had a lot of entrepreneurial clients, so I found that like, at least in the online space, if I was able to shift a little bit of my messaging, because I know that the reason I serve like usually six or seven figure entrepreneurs is because these are the people that are like I've finally broken this milestone. I finally hired the team, I've finally outsourced some stuff. I find and I haven't worked out in two years I haven't eaten a dinner at my, you know, kitchen table yeah, like, and so that just was a message that was really resonating and I found that at least that audience, when they came across my content, was able to be like, that is exactly me.
Speaker 1:But, having said, that I know, Of course, what you want. That's what you want, so I wanted to actually tell you. By the way, your marketing is like the whole, your whole package, the process that you've put together, the workflow, everything. It's some of the best I've ever seen, Like I actually. It is really really good. Everything leads to something else. I was never lost. It's always clear. I never feel like there's too much. It's so rare to see like a perfect example, but you are like a perfect example of. So did you do it yourself? Did you hire people?
Speaker 2:Did you know? That's all me. It's just a lot of passion in there and a love of Canva, but thank you.
Speaker 1:It's really so. It's and it's also like there's you. Naturally, I guess you must either like you've developed, or you also came with the innate skill as well of and it makes sense because of the way that you think about biohacking. So you're really good at looking at systems, right, and so you figured out the system and you're just, you're running with it. It's like, it's very, it's very impressive to watch, like if I was like holy shit, this is really good.
Speaker 2:So I want to make sure they told you that. Thank you, I think it was also. The behind the scenes is like I open my business in 2014,. Started diddling around online in 2015 is when it kind of started. So I mean there's been a lot of like marketing, messaging, changes, refining, figuring out what connected, and so I mean we're in 2023 now, so we're in like what, eight, nine years of fiddling with it and perfecting it over by now, absolutely, and I'm so glad that you said that, so glad so it took you about.
Speaker 1:When, would you say you probably hit the spot where you were like okay because, like I'm seeing you at your 10 year mark right, like when would you say you hit like this kind of spot for yourself?
Speaker 2:Late 2020, I had my first baby in February of 2020. And it was like right after that where I that was when I kind of discovered like how much optimization you need when you're sleep deprived, having a new baby. Yes, I was like, oh, okay, no, this is the shift. And I was right. There is when my messaging just went like super narrow. I got really specific. My content got very specific. So 2020, I mean that's what? Six years down the road of a lot of you know, money spent on ads that went nowhere, programs that launched to zero, years where I only made $500 in that part of the business, like the online part. So I mean it's, it's been a labor of love, but it's because I love it that I'm still here.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad. I'm so glad we got an opportunity to talk about that part of it, just because you know, having taught marketing for so many years, like the biggest challenge, I think is that everybody looks at you, the overnight success. Right, T'Nessa, you're such an overnight success, You're like no that's. I've literally been doing this for 10 years. I've only overnight to you because you found me yesterday.
Speaker 2:My mom would say to me all the time she's like in the early days, like you know, when the first made the first 500, the first year, and then 10,000 the next year, she would say to me like what keeps you going at this? I mean, I'm not just saying I'm not proud of you but, like it's Kindly said, it's not working. How are you still working at? And I was like, oh my gosh, I just had such a belief that it was going to work. I mean, you can't possibly be at it 10 years and not have figured something out. Well, you clearly figured out quite a bit. So you know there is that.
Speaker 1:Take that mom. So OK, so here's the thing I'm telling you. This is the one email that probably blew you out of the stratosphere. This is the one I know that made you that overnight success we were talking about.
Speaker 1:So you sent an email the other day and I was like holy shit, this is for literally everybody that I know and it said is this you by the way, it is not me, just want you to know that that do you have thousands of tabs open on your, on your screen? And the reason it's not me is not because it's not what my habit that was my habit for years but in the way that you and I both share this idea of hacking your brain, and I know the kind of impact that that has, and so over the years, I've stopped doing it. However, I would love the one of the most chronic, aside from the idea that we can multitask one of the most chronic fallacies I think that existed that I need to have all these tabs open because it makes me more productive. I would love to hear a little bit about tabs and then you're like you know, you talked about your mind tabs and then, like your, your computer tabs Take it away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I like to think of it like this. Like, let's imagine you're on your computer right now and you've got your 15 tabs open. There's an Amazon, a Facebook, an Instagram whatever it is that's in your tabs. So your brain is constantly needing to process all of those tabs and think about it. Then let's not even get started about how many icons and screenshots are on your desktop. Every time we look at that, you need to be like should I clean this up? It's really messy. Then you look at your desk. I shouldn't even talk right now. I've got three lip glosses and two cups on my desk right now. But, having said that, your brain needs to process each one of those things. See it, think about it, see it, think about it. Then, when you have all these things, it's switching back and forth because my phone just went off. Oh, is that a notification on Instagram? I should probably check that. Oh, I didn't check that message. Oh, my gosh, look, an email just came in.
Speaker 2:When you have all these things open, your brain is constantly having to processes. Every single item you need to process increases the load your brain is under. I want you to think about it Literally. If you were to put your hand out and everything weighed a pound that you had open. The load gets so heavy that it ends up being really hard to carry. I always think we need to take some time to literally detox or do a cognitive load detox. Look at your desktop. Can we clear, honestly, even if you highlight all put in a folder and say sort later I've done that sometimes just to clear it visually. Take two minutes, clear off your desk. Think about the load that is placed by you needing to visually identify everything over and over all day. How can you clear up some of that space so that your brain can stay focused, because it takes so much time to switch between these tasks too.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I think that for many years I was like I'm a multitasker, this is how I work, and so on and so forth. I do have ADHD, so I do tend to bounce a lot, but the way that I was thinking about it was that that was the only way that I could bounce between things. What I didn't recognize was that there's a way that you can actually create a flow that is actually productive, that leans into my ADHD brain, that is not doing what you're talking about. That doesn't have all those tabs open. So I'll tell you, actually I don't have the tabs open, but I wanted to confess because I can't lie. After I got your email about that, I looked at my desktop and I did exactly what you just said. I've been looking at the same fucking desktop for the last I don't even know how many months and I keep saying it's like screenshots and save as and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:I'm like should I? When you said that, I was like, oh my God, she's literally living in my brain right now. I was like should I? Then yesterday I was like you know what, or yeah, it was yesterday. I was like you know what. I was like actually this is not good. So I did put it all on a folder and I just said I literally called it deal with later. Now everything is off. So thank you for bringing that up, because when I used to train on that, I would call it like I would just liken it to having the app on your phone, which is where you'd be like you have your app and you charge your phone, then it's fully charged, you take it off and then suddenly, 20 minutes later, it's like 25 percent and you're like how did that happen? You look and you have all these apps that are there that are draining the battery, the tabs and the things on your desktop. Those are the same things. Those are just acting as battery drainers and then we're tired by two o'clock?
Speaker 2:Yes, Because you've processed so much and then you probably got off off a funny sleep and all the things and the perfect plan didn't go well and so it just goes downhill from there. But yeah, I totally agree with you on that.
Speaker 1:Hold on, let me get to this. Actually, this is so great we're actually literally leading into my next question, which is bad. You mentioned something about notifications. I have strong feelings about notifications. I'm really curious to know what your feelings are about notificating, buzzing notifications, outlook notifications on the side. Tell me how you feel about those things.
Speaker 2:My parents, my whole family strongly detests my experience with notifications. My phone is on, silent, it's impossible to get a hold of me. People complain about it all the time and I'm like but I want to decide when to interrupt my thinking. I want to decide when to interrupt my day, so naturally I have everything closed. Nothing is allowed to get notifications through, and actually you know what I do. I have two phones, one phone here, so this is my personal phone. It has on there text message, whatsapp and I can call. I think that maybe podcasts that's all it has on it. It is the most boring phone and this is what I have.
Speaker 2:This phone originally started. You know, when you upgrade to a new phone but there was nothing wrong with your old phone and it's kind of sitting around, you feel bad, throwing it in the garbage. You don't know what to do with it. I turned it into what I called my work phone Instagram, facebook, google Drive, gmail, boxer all of the work stuff is on this phone and it doesn't have that on. I can't call anybody on it, but this phone is where I do all my social media, anything like that and so at the end of the day, I power this down and it stays in my office and I don't have access to any of that stuff because I don't want to be interrupted by it, unless I choose to, at which point I can walk back up to my office, fire up this phone, but the inconvenience is usually so large that I don't end up doing it, and I find that's really how I'm able to disconnect from what I think of as just like constant input from other people's brains constant I love that so much.
Speaker 1:I love everything you just said because, like, I feel like notificate, I did a training once. I don't know if you've done a training like this, where you talk about turning off notifications or something like that and people grab their phones and they like hold on to it almost as if you're taking it away from them. I mean like I'm not taking your phone, but like people feel some curious. How do you deal with it when? Because, like everybody says, I have to have my notifications on right?
Speaker 1:And like in some, cases like you're a doctor, you need to have your notifications on, or like you have small children or what have you. So how do you recommend? How do you recommend, like that middle ground where, like you have that phone but like not everybody can have a second phone. So if let's say somebody's like look, I really have to be able to hear from these three people whenever I want them to be able to interrupt me, or something like well, what are your recommendations for those who are not quite ready to let go of notifications just yet?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you can actually have breakthrough notifications. Like you can actually set in like this person is allowed to break through, silent, or if you put on do not disturb, which blocks all notifications, you can select certain people that are able to break through or certain apps. So, for example, let's just say you only have maybe you have kids that are out and you want them to be able to contact you for emergency or your doctor this app is allowed notifications and everything else is silent. You only put people that you want to break through on there, right, and so that's a really good way. That has helped me kind of bridge the gap, because I, if my husband is out with my kids, I would want him to be able to reach me if you have a flat tire or if something's gone wrong. So that's kind of where they'll be able to get through, but nobody else love that.
Speaker 1:Thank you, are you giving me, like, what's great about this podcast? I'm like, oh my God, I'm getting amazing sound bites that I could send to people, because there's, these are chronic issues. Like, what we're talking about is like I feel like what you do is you work on the real shit that is underneath all the stuff that like, because you know, yes, you need to be more effective at work, but doing something like this will make you more effective at work and also at home and also with yourself, and you'll be happy. Like it's like a, it's a two. It helps in so many different ways. So I'm curious, you know you mentioned that your family. It drives your and mine too, because you can't get a hold of me. It's impossible. If you want to get a hold of me, you have to call my wife, so that's what I call my husband.
Speaker 2:They don't call me anymore Actually, they only call him and I feel like I don't like this workaround anymore. I don't either.
Speaker 1:Well, the other day I sent something. I was in a chat and I sent something in the wrong chat and my sister couldn't find me, and so she actually called, she texted, she called she. Finally she called my wife. And when I see, when she said your sister's on the phone, I was like oh my God, someone's dead, but it is.
Speaker 2:It's really hard, so I'm actually curious, right?
Speaker 1:Because I think that you going back to what you said, where you you put your phone in your room and now, with people working from home, so much whether you are an entrepreneur or you're working for a company, you're working from home, and then at some point you talk about you talked about doing that when you clock out and so one of the things that my passion is helping to people people to actually clock out, because so many people don't believe that they can or should, or there's too many conversations to be had about that but do you have boundaries set around the time that you work and the time that you do?
Speaker 2:not work Very tight boundaries and it's like I can even tell you to the hour on which I start and I stop when I have breakfast with my kids and I, because of that, I work two full days, two half days per week and I'm very intentional about that. And so even in designing my programs I was like, ok, I, if I don't want to be on calls all day, every day, how am I going to fit this in? And so it's very much starting from like when do I want to be doing this? And then reverse engineering everything else to fit that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so interesting because of so many of us we actually say, if I was going to schedule my day, so many people will start with what do I need to do for work, Fill that in and then fit everything around that. You mentioned that even when you were talking about people's plans that they make and then suddenly they realize there's no basis in reality. Where does that come from? We're obviously programmed to it, but how do you work with your clients to decondition and socialize in this other idea where you're actually prioritizing yourself, your health and your own longevity first, and using in that in and of itself is like you doing great things for people in your family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's two part. First thing is we really have to decondition productivity with self-worth. That's a huge conversation I have to have with them is like no, answering that email at 11 PM does not make you a more valuable coach, entrepreneur, employee, whatever that is no, responding within 10 minutes does not make you more valuable. That is your conversation in your head about what you're telling yourself they are thinking if you don't respond. Really having to break that association, I think, is number one, because otherwise we can't ever just let go, we can't ever relax, we can't allow ourselves to have guilt-free leisure time, because the whole time and that's actually one of the podcast episodes I listened to of yours was like you feel guilty about not enjoying it enough. That really hit me and I was like, yeah, that's what. It's a double-edged sword.
Speaker 2:I think it's really just learning to tell yourself that there is time that does not have to be productive. When I read fluffy fiction books, I'm not getting better, my business is not growing, I'm not a better parent, I'm never going to do anything with this book once I close it and that's okay. I think that's part one. Then, the thing that really shifted this do you know who Cal Newport is have you ever read any of his books? He has Deep Work and Digital Minimalism. He has in one of his books yeah, it's a great book.
Speaker 1:I've heard of that book, Digital Minimalism, and now I'm going to go back and get it because the universe has put in my path again.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 2:I think it might be Deep Work he talks about this in, but he talks about a day within a day.
Speaker 2:Exactly what you said people scheduled their work and then it's almost like an afterthought of what happens with the rest of their day.
Speaker 2:But he said if you want a leisure life that isn't like papered over with tech use and just this escapism, and you want that intentional feeling of joy and stuff in your life, then what we want to look at is actually thinking like I have my day and then a day within a day, the day being the time outside of work, and being as intentional with that time as you are with your work time, and actually schedule them as if they're two separate days, and not that everything has to be scheduled, but you can literally just schedule that time, not for work, and that's as productive as it ever has to be, just being like during this block of time I can do whatever I want with no outcome and it's great.
Speaker 2:And that like whether I walk, whether I exercise, spend time with my kids or I do a load of laundry. It doesn't have to be with a podcast in my ear, I don't have to grow because of it, it can just be pointless and that's okay. That leisure time where you're not connected to growth, to being better, to responding, it's just. It's a really just sense of like restoration that you give yourself.
Speaker 1:There's so much judgment, though, don't you think when, like, when you cause, like, I subscribed to what you're saying 100%, but when I think about it, I think to like, but even as I hear the words are saying, I feel judgment within myself, right Cause those are old, old stories that we brought with us, and so I think that like that is, like you said, the hardest thing to overcome. Have you read Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price? That is a really good book. They are like my, they're incredible, and the whole book is about this divorcing productivity from your value.
Speaker 1:And especially if you're socialized as a woman, there's so much you're supposed to always be looking outward, to everybody else. It really doesn't ever occur to you to look inward and say am I happy, am I okay? So you hit 40, and then, at 40s, for some reason, I've noticed all my 40 year old friends are all about. This is the moment where, suddenly, I think we I guess we. That's why people had quote unquote midlife crisis in the 80s. It wasn't a midlife crisis. It's a realization and an understanding of how you have been living your life to date and like how do I want to live my life, intentionally moving forward.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think one of the things that it was a shift for me is going from thinking that being selfish sometimes was bad to being necessary, and we always, I think, paint that word as something that's very negative.
Speaker 2:But when we paint self like and it's selfish in the terms of like taking that time for you, if we stop painting it negatively and think of like, well, what if I can be selfish with half an hour, you know what would I want to do with that time If I, you know, wasn't trying to make other people happy, if I wasn't trying to be productive, like what would I want to do? And I found that, like, when I took the stigma off of that word with the time that I have allocated not to be productive, I was like, okay, this is okay, this doesn't have to be a trait that labels me as negative. And for me, that was something I always struggled with was that term, because when you take that time for you and you don't give it to your kids, you don't give it to your partner, you don't give it to your partner.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, that's so selfish right.
Speaker 2:I right, and? But then why would you ever take time for you if you're going to be labeled as selfish? Like it's a cognitive dissonance? You can't hold those two simultaneously, so you have to almost make peace and acceptance with the fact of like, well, what if I've just given it the wrong label? Like what if it's not a problem? Why does this have to be a problem? That I want to take some time for me Like, why is my brain making it a problem? What are the sentences that I'm saying that are making this a problem? Why do I want to choose to continue thinking them once I can hear those?
Speaker 1:You just hit a nail on the head, super like. So you said what are the sentences that I am saying? Right, Can you tell me about the value of the language that we use in terms of making these decisions, because I love that and clearly there's something there. So tell me about the words that we use.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this module in my program is called the Limitless Mind, because I think that the greatest power that as humans, we can have is the ability to direct our focus and direct our thinking. Because if you think anytime you've been spun out in an anxiety spiral or you've been overwhelmed or stressed out or you've been worried about something or any feeling that you're not enjoying, check what's going on in your sentences in your head, like I think we are never taught to actually hear what's going on in there, and it's kind of like one of those things that once you it's a Pandora's box. Once you hear what's going on in there, it's ugly. And I find that working through that with a lot of clients is like I'm having to walk them through, like this is going to get worse before it gets better. Because if we go unconscious our whole life and we don't understand why we feel so bad about everything, and then we hear it all and you're like why am I so awful to myself?
Speaker 2:And then the immediate thing you want to do is the perfectionist plan change it all, right, but instead it's like what if I just first heard it and then start questioning like, okay, do I want to continue thinking this and recognizing that default thought might not be optional, but everything that follows after is and asking yourself why are we going down the rabbit hole every time? If I can choose not to, not that it's easy, but that has been so freeing, knowing that, if I can like, if I can dictate where my brain goes, despite the thoughts that it offers me the negativity, the doubt, if I can dictate like, okay, I hear you, this is not something I want to run with. What else is also true? Yeah, going there.
Speaker 1:You know, Saira and I were talking about this yesterday, because the other thing is like we're so convinced that what's in our brain, that is the truth, Right. And I said to Saira I can't remember what she was you know, we go through, you know our whole lives where we use each other as our you know, hey, I'm having this problem or whatever. But sometimes it's not a real problem, Sometimes it's a trigger moment, that's a beginning of a spiral, Right, and we know each other well enough to say, dude, yeah, do you stop with that? Right, and like, and so she I can't remember what it was that it was that she brought up, but I said, I said, Saira, you've picked this one scenario, this one thing, out of five million options.
Speaker 1:You've picked this one and this is the one you're running with and you've decided that this is the truth. You're not even looking that there's four million other options out there. But I'm but if, but you know that there are, and that in and of itself is power, Because if you know, once you've figured, once you have an awareness that this isn't the only direction. But I think the hardest part that I have, even with this knowledge, is that it takes me a while sometimes to remember that I have my tools. You know, so like, sometimes I'll be like it gets easier with practice, but sometimes I'll be, you know, a little bit in. My wife, fortunately, has learned how to like pick up on those things and she'll, she will tell me about my tools. But do you ever find yourself in a situation where you'll start going down and then you'll, you'll, you won't remember your tools immediately and so you'll actually get into a space and then remember them later, or someone has to remind you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and it's always the same boring things that my brain goes to it's always the same, like there's no variety.
Speaker 2:No, I know, but that's the beautiful thing and, I think, one of the things that's wonderful about having someone like your sister or like my husband or someone that in a coaching relationship, something like that is like you have someone that can see your brain from the outside, because everything you think it's presented as fact in your brain, right? So having someone else see your thoughts from the outside and question them, when you've always just decided they were facts, right, you're like my life is too busy and then you have someone go. Is it? Or is that literally just how you're thinking about your day, or is that how you've decided to schedule your day? Like you know what I mean, like having someone outside you to question that, but 100% like it's.
Speaker 2:It's hard to see your brain's own drama. So, honestly, if you have no one in your life, that's like that. Grab a pen, grab a paper, write those thoughts down and then ask yourself why do I want to think this? What is the purpose? Is this serving me and do I want to keep thinking this? I love these questions. Yeah, I love the doubt one. Whenever I have doubt, that comes up. Or like, for example, if I'm launching a program, my brain loves to go. No one is going to sign up for this. It's the end of the world. The business is going to shut down Right and you're going to be homeless, don't forget that, and I got to the point one time where I'm like I'm going to have to sell the cat.
Speaker 2:There's no way I'm going to buy the cat Like hold on hysteria. I was like it was when I was like 25. Sell the cat, well, like you're homeless, like I want the cat to go to a good home.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm just curious who's going to buy the cat Right Like that's really Nobody would want my cat. Let's be honest, like I don't even want her half the time. She only likes me half the time. But but I mean, having said that, like you know it's it's. It's tough sometimes and I think you have to really watch your brain. I'm being so true.
Speaker 1:Watch your brain, watch and also watch your language. I could talk to you forever, but we both have other meetings and interviews after this. So, as we wrap up, can you tell the listeners that you're going to be homeless the listeners who are obviously in love with you now how they can find you, what you, what you could, what kind of help you can offer them and anything else you'd like to share?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I think the you mentioned the 12 ways to biohack your energy playbook that I think you said you were going to link, but the best thing for that, specifically, is it's full of 12 different hacks that you can literally take one, implement it, so that we're not being perfectionists, we're just like working on one thing at a time. They link to podcast episodes. If you want to dive deeper on there, or you know, come hang out with me on Instagram. I love talking to people in my messages, answering questions, like digging into some stuff, nerding out about this. So, honestly, my podcast becoming limitless or the 12 ways to biohack your energy are going to be great ways into my world.
Speaker 1:And they already work. So I'm telling you all I've done from the list. The only thing I've done okay, there might be a couple that were already on there, but like the one that I picked up that was new was shower. There's actually like at least five that I need to do, two that I said, yeah, no, I'm not doing those, but I will. I just yeah, no, but the cold shower was the one I wanted to do the least, so I did that and I'll tell you, it's all 10 days changed my life.
Speaker 1:So just do one thing. And I know that some people are like, if I do the one thing, what kind of difference will that make if I can't do all 12? But really like that's the secret. The secret is you just need to do it. Consistent efforts.
Speaker 2:And adjust your horizon for results.
Speaker 1:That is smart and adjust like your expectations, really like for yourself. It's like the high off the salad it's not going to help. Oh my gosh, I'm never getting high off the salad. I'm just telling you that right now Unless it made a weed then maybe. So thank you so much, so much for joining. I mean today. I'm actually thinking we might want to have you on for like other things too, one episode point. You're a great guest. Clearly you've done a lot of these guys Go find Tanesa, not just because she has a great name, but also because she literally will change your life. I, for 30 seconds in the morning, I'm like I hate you, I hate you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. So you know, thank you so much for your time today. Thanks,
